FullReads

PHILIP
. Ah, but you mustn’t think that after four years of war one has quite the same ideas about the sanctity of human life. How could one?

JAMES
. You’ll find that juries have kept pretty much the same ideas, I fancy.

PHILIP
. Yes, but revolvers often go off accidentally. You said so yourself. This is going to be the purest accident. Can’t you see it in the papers? “The deceased’s nephew, who was obviously upset–“

JAMES
. I suppose you think it’s brave to come back from the front and threaten a defenceless man with a revolver? Is that the sort of fair play they teach you in the Army?

PHILIP
. Good heavens! of course it is. You don’t think that you wait until the other side has got just as many guns as you before you attack? You’re really rather lucky. Strictly speaking, I ought to have thrown half a dozen bombs at you first. (Taking one out of his pocket) As it happens, I’ve only got one.

JAMES
(thoroughly alarmed). Put that back at once.

PHILIP
(putting down the revolver and taking it in his hands). You hold it in the right hand–so–taking care to keep the lever down. Then you take the pin in the finger–so, and–but perhaps this doesn’t interest you?

JAMES
(edging his chair away). Put it down at once, sir. Good heavens! anything might happen.

PHILIP
(putting it down and taking up the revolver again). Does it ever occur to you, Uncle James, that there are about three million people in England who know all about bombs, and how to throw them, and–

JAMES
. It certainly does not occur to me. I should never dream of letting these things occur to me.

PHILIP
(looking at the bomb regretfully). It’s rather against my principles as a soldier, but just to make things a bit more fair–(generously) you shall have it. (He holds it out to him suddenly.)

JAMES
(shrinking back again). Certainly not, sir. It might go off at any moment.

PHILIP
(putting it back in his pocket). Oh no; it’s quite useless; there’s no detonator…. (Sternly) Now, then, let’s talk business.

JAMES
. What do you want me to do?

PHILIP
. Strictly speaking, you should be holding your hands over your head and saying “Kamerad!” However, I’ll let you off that. All I ask from you is that you should be reasonable.

JAMES
. And if I refuse, you’ll shoot me?

PHILIP
. Well, I don’t quite know, Uncle James. I expect we should go through this little scene again to-morrow. You haven’t enjoyed it, have you? Well, there’s lots more of it to come. We’ll rehearse it every day. One day, if you go on being unreasonable, the thing will go off. Of course, you think that I shouldn’t have the pluck to fire. But you can’t be quite certain. It’s a hundred to one that I shan’t–only I might. Fear–it’s a horrible thing. Elderly men die of it sometimes.

JAMES
. Pooh! I’m not to be bluffed like that.

PHILIP
(suddenly). You’re quite right; you’re not that sort. I made a mistake. (Aiming carefully) I shall have to do it straight off, after all. One–two–

JAMES
(on his knees, with uplifted hands, in an agony of terror). Philip! Mercy! What are your terms?

PHILIP
(picking him up by the scruff, and helping him into the chair). Good man, that’s the way to talk. I’ll get them for you. Make yourself comfortable in front of the fire till I come back. Here’s the paper. (He gives his uncle the paper, and goes out into the hall.)