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Ode To The Sublime Porte
by [?]


Great Sultan, how wise are thy state compositions!
And oh! above all I admire that Decree,
In which thou command’st that all she politicians
Shall forthwith be strangled and cast in the sea.

‘Tis my fortune to know a lean Benthamite spinster–
A maid who her faith in old Jeremy puts,
Who talks with a lisp of “the last new Westminster,”
And hopes you’re delighted with “Mill upon Gluts;”

Who tells you how clever one Mr. Funblank is,
How charming his Articles ‘gainst the Nobility;–
And assures you that even a gentleman’s rank is
In Jeremy’s school, of no sort of utility.

To see her, ye Gods, a new Number perusing–
ART. 1.–“On the Needle’s variations,” by Pl–ce;[1]
ART. 2.–By her Favorite Funblank[2]–“so amusing!
“Dear man! he makes Poetry quite a Law case.”

ART. 3.–“Upon Fallacies,” Jeremy’s own–
(Chief Fallacy being his hope to find readers);-
ART. 4.–“Upon Honesty,” author unknown;–
ART. 5.–(by the young Mr. Mill) “Hints to Breeders.”

Oh, Sultan, oh, Sultan, tho’ oft for the bag
And the bowstring, like thee, I am tempted to call–
Tho’ drowning’s too good for each blue-stocking hag,
I would bag this she Benthamite first of them all!

And lest she should ever again lift her head
From the watery bottom, her clack to renew–
As a clog, as a sinker, far better than lead,
I would hang around her neck her own darling Review.

[1] A celebrated political tailor.

[2] This pains-taking gentleman has been at the trouble of counting, with the assistance of Cocker, the number of metaphors in Moore’s “Life of Sheridan,” and has found them to amount, as nearly as possible, to 2235– and some fractions.