They intend to send a wireTo the moon;And they’ll set the Thames on fireVery soon;Then they learn to make silk pursesWith their rigsFrom the ears of Lady Circe’sPiggy-wigs.And weazels at their slumbersThey’ll trepan;To get sunbeams from cu cum bersThey’ve a plan.They’ve a firmly rooted notionThey can cross the Polar Ocean,And they’ll find Perpetual MotionIf they […]

There lived a King, as I’ve been told,In the wonder-working days of old,When hearts were twice as good as gold,And twenty times as mellow.Good temper triumphed in his face,And in his heart he found a placeFor all the erring human raceAnd every wretched fellow.When he had Rhenish wine to drinkIt made him very sad to […]

When I first put this uniform on,I said as I looked in the glass.“It’s one to a millionThat any civilianMy figure and form will surpass.Gold lace has a charm for the fair,And I’ve plenty of that, and to spare,While a lover’s professions,When uttered in Hessians,Are eloquent everywhere!A fact that I counted upon,When I first put […]

Now, Jurymen, hear my advice–All kinds of vulgar prejudiceI pray you set aside:With stern judicial frame of mind,From bias free of every kind,This trial must be tried! Oh, listen to the plaintiff’s case:Observe the features of her face–The broken-hearted bride!Condole with her distress of mind:From bias free of every kind,This trial must be tried! And […]

Dr. Belville was regarded as the Crichton of his age:His tragedies were reckoned much too thoughtful for the stage;His poems held a noble rank, although it’s very trueThat, being very proper, they were read by very few.He was a famous Painter, too, and shone upon the “line,”And even Mr. Ruskin came and worshipped at his […]

Comes a train of little ladiesFrom scholastic trammels free,Each a little bit afraid is,Wondering what the world can be! Is it but a world of trouble–Sadness set to song?Is its beauty but a bubbleBound to break ere long? Are its palaces and pleasuresFantasies that fade?And the glories of its treasuresShadow of a shade? Schoolgirls we, […]

In enterprise of martial kind,When there was any fighting,He led his regiment from behind,He found it less exciting.But when away his regiment ran,His place was at the fore, O–That celebrated,Cultivated,UnderratedNobleman,The Duke of Plaza-Toro!In the first and foremost flight, ha, ha!You always found that knight, ha, ha!That celebrated,Cultivated,UnderratedNobleman,The Duke of Plaza-Toro! When, to evade Destruction’s hand,To […]

Oh! my name is John Wellington Wells–I’m a dealer in magic and spells,In blessings and curses,And ever filled purses,In prophecies, witches and knells!If you want a proud foe to “make tracks”–If you’d melt a rich uncle in wax–You’ve but to look inOn our resident Djinn,Number seventy, Simmery Axe. We’ve a first class assortment of magic;And […]

I stole the Prince, and I brought him here,And left him, gaily prattlingWith a highly respectable Gondolier,Who promised the Royal babe to rear,And teach him the trade of a timoneerWith his own beloved bratling. Both of the babes were strong and stout,And, considering all things, clever.Of that there is no manner of doubt–No probable, possible […]

Sad is that woman’s lot who, year by year,Sees, one by one, her beauties disappear;As Time, grown weary of her heart-drawn sighs,Impatiently begins to “dim her eyes!”Herself compelled, in life’s uncertain gloamings,To wreathe her wrinkled brow with well saved “combings”–Reduced, with rouge, lipsalve, and pearly grey,To “make up” for lost time, as best she may! […]

My boy, you may take it from me,That of all the afflictions accurstWith which a man’s saddledAnd hampered and addled,A diffident nature’s the worst.Though clever as clever can be–A Crichton of early romance–You must stir it and stump it,And blow your own trumpet,Or, trust me, you haven’t a chance. Now take, for example, my case:I’ve […]

Sorry her lot who loves too well,Heavy the heart that hopes but vainly,Had are the sighs that own the spellUttered by eyes that speak too plainly;Heavy the sorrow that bows the headWhen Love is alive and Hope is dead! Sad is the hour when sets the Sun–Dark is the night to Earth’s poor daughtersWhen to […]

When I, good friends, was called to the Bar,I’d an appetite fresh and hearty,But I was, as many young barristers are,An impecunious party.I’d a swallow-tail coat of a beautiful blue–A brief which I bought of a booby–A couple of shirts and a collar or two,And a ring that looked like a ruby! In Westminster Hall […]

When all night long a chap remainsOn sentry-go, to chase monotonyHe exercises of his brains,That is, assuming that he’s got any,Though never nurtured in the lapOf luxury, yet I admonish you,I am an intellectual chap,And think of things that would astonish you.I often think it’s comicalHow Nature always does contriveThat every boy and every galThat’s […]

Oh! a private buffoon is a light-hearted loon,If you listen to popular rumor;From morning to night he’s so joyous and bright,And he bubbles with wit and good-humor!He’s so quaint and so terse, both in prose and in verse;Yet though people forgive his transgression,There are one or two rules that all Family FoolsMust observe, if they […]

I’ve wisdom from the East and from the West,That’s subject to no academic rule:You may find it in the jeering of a jest,Or distil it from the folly of a fool.I can teach you with a quip, if I’ve a mind!I can trick you into learning with a laugh;Oh, winnow all my folly, and you’ll […]

Whene’er I pokeSarcastic jokeReplete with malice spiteful,The people vilePolitely smileAnd vote me quite delightful!Now, when a wightSits up all nightIll-natured jokes devising,And all his wilesAre met with smiles,It’s hard, there’s no disguising!Oh, don’t the days seem lank and longWhen all goes right and nothing goes wrong,And isn’t your life extremely flatWith nothing whatever to grumble […]

If you’re anxious for to shine in the high aesthetic line,as a man of culture rare,You must get up all the germs of the transcendental terms,and plant them everywhere.You must lie upon the daisies and discourse in novel phrases of yourcomplicated state of mind,The meaning doesn’t matter if it’s only idle chatterof a transcendental kind.And […]

The Sun, whose raysAre all ablazeWith ever living glory,Does not denyHis majesty–He scorns to tell a story!He don’t exclaim“I blush for shame,So kindly be indulgent,”But, fierce and bold,In fiery gold,He glories all effulgent! I mean to rule the earth.As he the sky–We really know our worth,The Sun and I! Observe his flame,That placid dame,The Moon’s […]

When Britain really ruled the waves–(In good Queen Bess’s time)The House of Peers made no pretenceTo intellectual eminence,Or scholarship sublime;Yet Britain won her proudest baysIn good Queen Bess’s glorious days! When Wellington thrashed Bonaparte,As every child can tell,The House of Peers, throughout the war,Did nothing in particular,And did it very well;Yet Britain set the world […]