The vainest girls in forty statesWere Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates;They warbled, slightly off the air,Romantic German songs,And each of them upon her hairEmployed the curling tongs,And each with ardor most intenseHer buxom figure laced,Until her wilful want of senseProcured a woeful waist:For bound to marry titled matesWere Gwendolyn and Gladys Gates. Yet, truth to tell, […]

A man of kind and noble mindWas H. Gustavus Hyde.‘Twould be amiss to add to thisAt present, for he died,In full possession of his senses,The day before my tale commences. One half his gold his four-year-oldSon Paul was known to win,And Beatrix, whose age was six,For all the rest came in,Perceiving which, their Uncle Ben […]

Most worthy of praiseWere the virtuous waysOf Little Red Riding Hood’s Ma,And no one was everMore cautious and cleverThan Little Red Riding Hood’s Pa.They never misled,For they meant what they said,And would frequently say what they meant,And the way she should goThey were careful to show,And the way that they showed her, she went.For obedience […]

An excellent peasant,Of character pleasant,Once lived in a hut with his wife.He was cheerful and docile,But such an old fossilYou wouldn’t meet twice in your life.His notions were all without reason or rhyme,Such dullness in any one else were a crime,But the folly pig-headedTo which he was weddedWas so deep imbedded,it touched the sublime! He […]

A worthy couple, man and wife,Dragged on a discontented life:The reason, I should state,That it was destitute of joys,Was that they had a dozen boysTo feed and educate,And nothing such patience demandsAs having twelve boys on your hands! For twenty years they tried their bestTo keep those urchins neatly dressedAnd teach them to be good,But […]

In Germany there lived an earlWho had a charming niece:And never gave the timid girlA single moment’s peace!Whatever low and menial taskHis fancy flitted through,He did not hesitate to askThat shrinking child to do.(I see with truly honest shame youAre blushing, and I do not blame you.A tale like this the feelings softens,And brings the […]

A maiden from the Bosphorus,With eyes as bright as phosphorus,Once wed the wealthy bailiffOf the caliphOf Kelat.Though diligent and zealous, heBecame a slave to jealousy.(Considering her beauty,‘Twas his dutyTo be that!) When business would necessitateA journey, he would hesitate,But, fearing to disgust her,He would trust herWith his keys,Remarking to her prayerfully:“I beg you’ll use them […]

Of all the ill-fatedBoys ever createdYoung Jack was the wretchedest lad:An emphatic, erratic,Dogmatic fanaticWas foisted upon him as dad!From the time he could walk,And before he could talk,His wearisome training began,On a highly barbarian,Disciplinarian,Nearly TartareanPlan! He taught him some Raleigh,And some of Macaulay,Till all of “Horatius” he knew,And the drastic, sarcastic,Fantastic, scholasticPhilippics of “Junius,” too.He […]

Once on a time, long years ago(Just when I quite forget),Two maidens lived beside the Po,One blonde and one brunette.The blonde one’s character was mild,From morning until night she smiled,Whereas the one whose hair was brownDid little else than pine and frown.(I think one ought to draw the lineAt girls who always frown and pine!) […]

She has slid down the channelsOf history’s annalsDisguised as the child of a king,But that is a glibAnd iniquitous fib,For she never was any such thing:They called her the Fair One with Golden Locks,And it’s true she had lovers who swarmed in flocks,But the rest is ironic;Her business chronicWas selling hair-tonicBy bottle and box! From […]

Miss Guinevere PlattWas so beautiful thatShe couldn’t remember the dayWhen one of her swainsHadn’t taken the painsTo send her a mammoth bouquet.And the postman had found,On the whole of his round,That no one received such a lotOf bulky epistlesAs, waiting his whistles,The beautiful Guinevere got! A significant signThat her charm was divineWas seen in society, […]

Though Philip the SecondOf France was reckonedNo coward, his breath came shortWhen they told him a dragonAs big as a wagonWas waiting below in the court!A dragon so long, and so wide, and so fat,That he couldn’t get in at the door to chat:The king couldn’t leave himOutside and grieve him,He had to receive himUpon […]

Albeit wholly penniless,Prince Charming wasn’t any lessConceited than a Croesus or a modern millionaire:Though often in necessity,No one would ever guess it. HeWas candidly insolvent, and he frankly didn’t care!Of the many debts he madeNot a one was ever paid,But no one ever pressed him to refund the borrowed gold:While he recklessly kept spending,People gladly […]

A poet had a cat.There is nothing odd in that–(I might make a little pun about the Mews!)But what is really moreRemarkable, she woreA pair of pointed patent-leather shoes.And I doubt me greatly whetherE’er you heard the like of that:Pointed shoes of patent-leatherOn a cat! His time he used to passWriting sonnets, on the grass–(I […]

Without the slightest basisFor hypochondriasisA widow had forebodings which a cloud around her flung,And with expression cynicalFor half the day a clinicalThermometer she held beneath her tongue. Whene’er she read the papersShe suffered from the vapors,At every tale of malady or accident she’d groan;In every new and smart disease,From housemaid’s knee to heart disease,She recognized […]

Fortunatus, a fisherman Dane,Set out on a sudden for Spain,Because, runs the story,He’d met with a hoaryMysterious sorcerer chap,Who, trouble to save him,Most thoughtfully gave himA magical traveling cap.I barely believe that the story is true,But here’s what that cap was reported to do. Suppose you were sitting at home,And you wished to see Paris […]

Matilda Maud Mackenzie frankly hadn’t any chin,Her hands were rough, her feet she turned invariably in;Her general form was German,By which I mean that youHer waist could not determineTo within a foot or two:And not only did she stammer,But she used the kind of grammarThat is called, for sake of euphony, askew. From what I […]

In days of old the King of SaxeHad singular opinions,For with a weighty battle-axeHe brutalized his minions,And, when he’d nothing to employHis mind, he chose a village,And with an air of savage joyDelivered it to pillage. But what aroused within his breastA rage well-nigh primevalWas, most of all, his daughter, dressedIn fashion mediaeval:The gowns that […]

His name was Aladdin.The clothes he was clad inProclaimed him an Arab at sight,And he had for a chumAn uncommonly rumOld afreet, six cubits in height.This person infernal,Who seemed so fraternal,At bottom was frankly a scamp:His future to sadden,He gave to AladdinA wonderful magical lamp. A marvel he dubbed it.He said if one rubbed itOne’s […]

A fisherman lived on the shore,(It’s a habit that fishers affect,)And his life was a hideous bore:He had nothing to do but collectContinual harvests of seaweed and shells,Which he stuck upon photograph frames,To sell to the guests in the summer hotelsWith the quite inappropriate names! He would wander along by the edgeOf the sea, and […]