Jupiter held a baby show, open to all animals, and a Monkey entered her hideous cub for a prize, but Jupiter only laughed at her. “It is all very well,” said the Monkey, “to laugh at my offspring, but you go into any gallery of antique sculpture and look at the statues and busts of […]

Hail, blessed Blunder! golden idol, hail!– Clay-footed deity of all who fail. Celestial image, let thy glory shine, Thy feet concealing, but a lamp to mine. Let me, at seasons opportune and fit, By turns adore thee and by turns commit. In thy high service let me ever be (Yet never serve thee as my […]

Mackay’s hot wrath to Bonynge, direful spring Of blows unnumbered, heavenly goddess, sing– That wrath which hurled to Hellman’s office floor Two heroes, mutually smeared with gore, Whose hair in handfuls marked the dire debate, And riven coat-tails testified their hate. Sing, muse, what first their indignation fired, What words augmented it, by whom inspired. […]

Welcker, I’m told, can boast a father great And honored in the service of the State. Public Instruction all his mind employs– He guides its methods and its wage enjoys. Prime Pedagogue, imperious and grand, He waves his ferule o’er a studious land Where humming youth, intent upon the page, Thirsting for knowledge with a […]

Jacob Jacobs, of Oakland, he swore: “Dat Solomon Martin–I’ll haf his gore!” Solomon Martin, of Oakland, he said: “Of Shacob Shacobs der bleed I vill shed!” So they met, with seconds and surgeon at call, And fought with pistol and powder and–all Was done in good faith,–as before I said, They fought with pistol and […]

Still as he climbed into the public view His charms of person more apparent grew, Till the pleased world that watched his airy grace Saw nothing of him but his nether face– Forgot his follies with his head’s retreat, And blessed his virtues as it viewed their seat.

Attend, mine enemies of all degrees, From sandlot orators and sandlot fleas To fallen gentlemen and rising louts Who babble slander at your drinking bouts, And, filled with unfamiliar wine, begin Lies drowned, ere born, in more congenial gin. But most attend, ye persons of the press Who live (though why, yourselves alone can guess) […]

[There isn’t a man living who does not have at least a sneaking reverence for a horse-shoe.–Evening Post.] Thus the poor ass whose appetite has ne’er Known than the thistle any sweeter fare Thinks all the world eats thistles. Thus the clown, The wit and Mentor of the country town, Grins through the collar of […]

Behold! the days of miracle at last Return–if ever they were truly past: From sinful creditors’ unholy greed The church called Calvary at last is freed– So called for there the Savior’s crucified, Roberts and Carmany on either side. The circling contribution-box no more Provokes the nod and simulated snore; No more the Lottery, no […]

John S. Hittell, whose sovereign genius wields The quill his tributary body yields; The author of an opera–that is, All but the music and libretto’s his: A work renowned, whose formidable name, Linked with his own, repels the assault of fame From the high vantage of a dusty shelf, Secure from all the world except […]

O Reverend Ravlin, once with sounding lung You shook the bloody banner of your tongue, Urged all the fiery boycotters afield And swore you’d rather follow them than yield, Alas, how brief the time, how great the change!– Your dogs of war are ailing all of mange; The loose leash dangles from your finger-tips, But […]

In fair San Francisco a good man did dwell, And he wrote out a will, for he didn’t feel well, Said he: “It is proper, when making a gift, To stimulate virtue by comforting thrift.” So he left all his property, legal and straight, To “the cursedest rascal in all of the State.” But the […]

Ben Truman, you’re a genius and can write, Though one would not suspect it from your looks. You lack that certain spareness which is quite Distinctive of the persons who make books. You show the workmanship of Stanford’s cooks About the region of the appetite, Where geniuses are singularly slight. Your friends the Chinamen are […]

Beneath his coat of dirt great Neilson loves To hide the avenging rope. He handles all he touches without gloves, Excepting soap.

A reporter he was, and he wrote, wrote he: “The grave was covered as thick as could be With floral tributes”–which reading, The editor man he said, he did so: “For ‘floral tributes’ he’s got for to go, For I hold the same misleading.” Then he called him in and he pointed sweet To a […]

As through the blue expanse he skims On joyous wings, the late Frank Hutchings overtakes Miss Sims, Both bound for Heaven’s high gate. In life they loved and (God knows why A lover so should sue) He slew her, on the gallows high Died pious–and they flew. Her pinions were bedraggled, soiled And torn as […]

I’ve sometimes wished that Ingersoll were wise To hold his tongue, nor rail against the skies; For when he’s made a point some pious dunce Like Bartlett of the Bulletin “replies.” I brandish no iconoclastic fist, Nor enter the debate an atheist; But when they say there is a God I ask Why Bartlett, then, […]

High Lord of Liars, Pickering, to thee Let meaner mortals bend the subject knee! Thine is mendacity’s imperial crown, Alike by genius, action and renown. No man, since words could set a cheek aflame E’er lied so greatly with so little shame! O bad old man, must thy remaining years Be passed in leading idiots […]

His caw is a cackle, his eye is dim, And he mopes all day on the lowest limb; Not a word says he, but he snaps his bill And twitches his palsied head, as a quill, The ultimate plume of his pride and hope, Quits his now featherless nose-of-the-Pope, Leaving that eminence brown and bare […]

I lay one happy night in bed And dreamed that all the dogs were dead. They’d all been taken out and shot– Their bodies strewed each vacant lot. O’er all the earth, from Berkeley down To San Leandro’s ancient town, And out in space as far as Niles– I saw their mortal parts in piles. […]