Villain, when the word is spoken,And your chains at last are brokenWhen the gibbet’s chilling shadeCeases darkly to enfold you,And the angel who enrolled youAs a master of the tradeOf assassination sadlyBlots the record he has made,And your name and title paintsIn the calendar of saints;When the devils, dancing madlyIn the midmost Hell, are veryMultitudinously […]

God said, “Let there be Crime,” and the commandBrought Satan, leading Stoneman by the hand.“Why, that’s Stupidity, not Crime,” said God–“Bring what I ordered.” Satan with a nodReplied, “This is one element–when IThe other–Opportunity–supplyIn just equivalent, the two’ll affineAnd in a chemical embrace combineAnd Crime result–for Crime can only beStupiditate of Opportunity.”So leaving Stoneman (not […]

Once–in the county of Marin,Where milk is sold to purchase gin–Renowned for butter and renownedFor fourteen ounces to the pound–A bull stood watching every turnOf Mr. Wilson with a churn,As that deigning worthy stalkedAbout him, eying as he walked,El Toro’s sleek and silken hide,His neck, his flank and all beside;Thinking with secret joy: “I’ll spreadThat […]

ROBERT F. MORROW Dear man! although a stranger and a foeTo soft affection’s humanizing glow;Although untaught how manly hearts may throbWith more desires than the desire to rob;Although as void of tenderness as wit,And owning nothing soft but Maurice Schmitt;Although polluted, shunned and in disgrace,You fill me with a passion to embrace!Attentive to your look, […]

‘Tis the widow of Thomas Blythe,And she goeth upon the spree,And red are cheeks of the bystandersFor her acts are light and free. In a seven-ounce costumeThe widow of Thomas Blythe,Y-perched high on the window ledge,The difficult can-can tryeth. Ten constables they essayTo bate the dame’s halloing.With the widow of Thomas BlytheTheir hands are overflowing, […]

Off Santa Cruz the western waveWas crimson as with blood:The sun was sinking to his graveBeneath that angry flood. Sir Walter Turnbull, brave and stout,Then shouted, “Ho! lads; run–The powder and the ball bring outTo fire the sunset gun. “That punctual orb did ne’er omitTo keep, by land or sea,Its every engagement; itShall never wait […]

O Abner Doble–whose “catarrhal name”Budd of that ilk might envy–’tis a roughRude thing to say, but it is plain enoughYour name is to be sneezed at: its acclaimWill “fill the speaking trump of future fame”With an impeded utterance–a puffSuggesting that a pinch or two of snuffWould clear the tube and somewhat disinflame.Nay, Abner Doble, you’ll […]

Mahomet Stanford, with covetous stare,Gazed on a vision surpassingly fair:Far on the desert’s remote extremeA mountain of gold with a mellow gleamReared its high pinnacles into the sky,The work of mirage to delude the eye.Pixley Pasha, at the Prophet’s feetPiously licking them, swearing them sweet,Ventured, observing his master’s glance,To beg that he order the mountain’s […]

It was a solemn rite as e’erWas seen by mortal man.The celebrants, the people there,Were all Republican. There Estee bent his grizzled head,And General Dimond, too,And one–’twas Reddick, some one said,Though no one clearly knew. I saw the priest, white-robed and tall(Assistant, Father Stow)–He was the pious man men callDan Burns of Mexico. Ah, ’twas […]

Though war-signs fail in time of peace, they say,Two awful portents gloom the public mind:All Mexico is arming for the frayAnd Colonel Mark McDonald has resigned!We know not by what instinct he divinedThe coming trouble–may be, like the steedDescribed by Job, he smelled the fight afar.Howe’er it be, he left, and for that deedIs an […]

I dreamed that I was poor and sick and sad,Broken in hope and weary of my life;My ventures all miscarrying–naught hadFor all my labor in the heat and strife.And in my heart some certain thoughts were rifeOf an unsummoned exit. As I layConsidering my bitter state, I cried:“Alas! that hither I did ever stray.Better in […]

Oh, Marcus D. Boruck, me hearty,I sympathize wid ye, poor lad!A man that’s shot out of his partyIs mighty onlucky, bedad!An’ the sowl o’ that man is sad. But, Marcus, gossoon, ye desarve it–Ye know for yerself that ye do,For ye j’ined not intendin’ to sarve it,But hopin’ to make it sarve you,Though the roll […]

Nay, Peter Robertson, ’tis not for youTo blubber o’er Max Taubles for he’s dead.By Heaven! my hearty, if you only knewHow better is a grave-worm in the headThan brains like yours–how far more decent, too,A tomb in far Corea than a bedWhere Peter lies with Peter, you would covetHis happier state and, dying, learn to […]

Munhall, to save my soul you bravely try,Although, to save my soul, I can’t say why.‘Tis naught to you, to me however much–Why, bless it! you might save a million suchYet lose your own; for still the “means of grace”That you employ to turn us from the placeBy the arch-enemy of souls frequentedAre those which […]

[Californians are asking themselves how Joaquin Miller will make the trees grow which he proposes to plant in the form of a Maltese cross on Goat Island, in San Francisco Bay.–New York Graphic.] You may say they won’t grow, and say they’ll decay–Say it again till you’re sick of the say,Get up on your ear, […]

Old Nick from his place of last resortCame up and looked the world over.He saw how the grass of the good was shortAnd the wicked lived in clover. And he gravely said: “This is all, all wrong,And never by me intended.If to me the power should ever belongI shall have this thing amended.” He looked […]

The Day of Judgment spread its glareO’er continents and seas.The graves cracked open everywhere,Like pods of early peas. Up to the Court of Heaven spedThe souls of all mankind;Republicans were at the headAnd Democrats behind. Reub. Lloyd was there before the tubeOf Gabriel could call:The dead in Christ rise first, and Reub.Had risen first of […]

Aeronaut, you’re fairly caught,Despite your bubble’s leaven:Out of the skies a lady’s eyesHave brought you down to Heaven! No more, no more you’ll freely soarAbove the grass and gravel:Henceforth you’ll walk–and she will chalkThe line that you’re to travel!

Judge Armstrong, when the poor have sought your aid,To be released from vows that they have madeIn haste, and leisurely repented, you,As stern as Rhadamanthus (Minos too,And AEeacus) have drawn your fierce brows downAnd petrified them with a moral frown!With iron-faced rigor you have made them runThe gauntlet of publicity–each HunOr Vandal of the public […]

When Dr. Charles O’Donnell diedThey sank a box with him inside. The plate with his initials threeWas simply graven–“C.O.D.” That night two demons of the PitAdown the coal-hole shunted it. Ten million million leagues it fell,Alighting at the gate of Hell. Nick looked upon it with surprise,A night-storm darkening his eyes. “They’ve sent this rubbish, […]