FullReads

TOUCHIT.–I never drink it–never touch the rubbish! Too old a stager!

LADY K.–Port, I think, is your favorite, Mrs. Bonnington?

MRS. B.–My dear lady, I do not mean that you should not have champagne, if you like. Pray, pray, don’t be angry! But why on earth, for you, who take so little, and Horace, who only drinks it to keep you company, should not Howell open a pint instead of a great large bottle?

LADY K.–Oh, Howell! Howell! We must not mention Howell, my dear Mrs. Bonnington. Howell is faultless! Howell has the keys of everything! Howell is not to be controlled in anything! Howell is to be at liberty to be rude to my servant!

MILLIKEN.–Is that all? I am sure I should have thought your man was big enough to resent any rudeness from poor little Howell.

LADY K.–Horace! Excuse me for saying that you don’t know–the–the class of servant to whom Bulkeley belongs. I had him, as a great favor, from Lord Toddleby. That class of servant is accustomed generally not to go out single.

MILLIKEN.–Unless they are two behind a carriage-perch they pine away, as one love-bird does without his mate!

LADY K.–No doubt! no doubt! I only say you are not accustomed here–in this kind of establishment, you understand–to that class of–

MRS. B.–Lady Kicklebury! is my son’s establishment not good enough for any powdered monster in England? Is the house of a British merchant–?

LADY K.–My dear creature! my dear creature! it IS the house of a British merchant, and a very comfortable house.

MRS. B.–Yes, as you find it.

LADY K.–Yes, as I find it, when I come to take care of my departed, angel’s children, Mrs. Bonnington–[pointing to picture]–of THAT dear seraph’s orphans, Mrs. Bonnington. YOU cannot. You have other duties–other children–a husband at home in delicate health, who–

MRS. B.–Lady Kicklebury, no one shall say I don’t take care of my dear husband!

MILLIKEN.–My dear mother! My dear Lady Kicklebury! [To T., who has come forward.] They spar so every night they meet, Touchit. Ain’t it hard?

LADY K.–I say you DO take care of Mr. Bonnington, Mrs. Bonnington, my dear creature! and that is why you can’t attend to Horace. And as he is of a very easy temper–except sometimes with his poor Arabella’s mother–he allows all his tradesmen to cheat him, all his servants to cheat him, Howell to be rude to everybody–to me amongst other people, and why not to my servant Bulkeley, with whom Lord Toddleby’s groom of the chambers gave me the very highest character.

MRS. B.–I’m surprised that noblemen HAVE grooms in their chambers. I should think they were much better in the stables. I am sure I always think so when we dine with Doctor Clinker. His man does bring such a smell of the stable with him.

LADY K.–He! he! you mistake, my dearest creature! Your poor mother mistakes, my good Horace. You have lived in a quiet and most respectable sphere–but not–not–

MRS. B.–Not what, Lady Kicklebury? We have lived at Richmond twenty years–in my late husband’s time–when we saw a great deal of company, and when this dear Horace was a dear boy at Westminster School. And we have PAID for everything we have had for twenty years, and we have owed not a penny to any TRADESMAN, though we mayn’t have had POWDERED FOOTMEN SIX FEET HIGH, who were impertinent to all the maids in the place–Don’t! I WILL speak, Horace–but servants who loved us, and who lived in our families.

MILLIKEN.–Mamma, now, my dear, good old mother! I am sure Lady Kicklebury meant no harm.

LADY K.–Me! my dear Horace! harm! What harm could I mean?

MILLIKEN.–Come! let us have a game at whist. Touchit, will you make a fourth? They go on so every night almost. Ain’t it a pity, now?

TOUCHIT.–Miss Prior generally plays, doesn’t she?

MILLIKEN.–And a very good player, too. But I thought you might like it.

TOUCHIT.–Well, not exactly. I don’t like sixpenny points, Horace, or quarrelling with old dragons about the odd trick. I will go and smoke a cigar on the terrace, and contemplate the silver Thames, the darkling woods, the starry hosts of heaven. I–I like smoking better than playing whist. [MILLIKEN rings bell.]