FullReads

LOMOV.
[Weeps]

Shut up! My heart’s bursting!

NATALYA STEPANOVNA.
I shan’t shut up.

[Enter CHUBUKOV.]

CHUBUKOV.
What’s the matter now?

NATALYA STEPANOVNA.
Papa, tell us truly, which is the better dog, our Squeezer or his Guess.

LOMOV.
Stepan Stepanovitch, I implore you to tell me just one thing: is your Squeezer overshot or not? Yes or no?

CHUBUKOV.
And suppose he is? What does it matter? He’s the best dog in the district for all that, and so on.

LOMOV.
But isn’t my Guess better? Really, now?

CHUBUKOV.
Don’t excite yourself, my precious one…. Allow me…. Your Guess certainly has his good points…. He’s pure-bred, firm on his feet, has well-sprung ribs, and all that. But, my dear man, if you want to know the truth, that dog has two defects: he’s old and he’s short in the muzzle.

LOMOV.
Excuse me, my heart…. Let’s take the facts…. You will remember that on the Marusinsky hunt my Guess ran neck-and-neck with the Count’s dog, while your Squeezer was left a whole verst behind.

CHUBUKOV.
He got left behind because the Count’s whipper-in hit him with his whip.

LOMOV.
And with good reason. The dogs are running after a fox, when Squeezer goes and starts worrying a sheep!

CHUBUKOV.
It’s not true!… My dear fellow, I’m very liable to lose my temper, and so, just because of that, let’s stop arguing. You started because everybody is always jealous of everybody else’s dogs. Yes, we’re all like that! You too, sir, aren’t blameless! You no sooner notice that some dog is better than your Guess than you begin with this, that… and the other… and all that…. I remember everything!

LOMOV.
I remember too!

CHUBUKOV.
[Teasing him]

I remember, too…. What do you remember?

LOMOV.
My heart… my foot’s gone to sleep…. I can’t…

NATALYA STEPANOVNA.
[Teasing]

My heart…. What sort of a hunter are you? You ought to go and lie on the kitchen oven and catch blackbeetles, not go after foxes! My heart!

CHUBUKOV.
Yes really, what sort of a hunter are you, anyway? You ought to sit at home with your palpitations, and not go tracking animals. You could go hunting, but you only go to argue with people and interfere with their dogs and so on. Let’s change the subject in case I lose my temper. You’re not a hunter at all, anyway!

LOMOV.
And are you a hunter? You only go hunting to get in with the Count and to intrigue…. Oh, my heart!… You’re an intriguer!

CHUBUKOV.
What? I an intriguer?

[Shouts]
Shut up!

LOMOV.
Intriguer!

CHUBUKOV.
Boy! Pup!

LOMOV.
Old rat! Jesuit!

CHUBUKOV.
Shut up or I’ll shoot you like a partridge! You fool!

LOMOV.
Everybody knows that–oh my heart!–your late wife used to beat you…. My feet… temples… sparks…. I fall, I fall!

CHUBUKOV.
And you’re under the slipper of your housekeeper!

LOMOV.
There, there, there… my heart’s burst! My shoulder’s come off…. Where is my shoulder? I die.

[Falls into an armchair]
A doctor!

[Faints.]

CHUBUKOV.
Boy! Milksop! Fool! I’m sick!

[Drinks water]
Sick!

NATALYA STEPANOVNA.
What sort of a hunter are you? You can’t even sit on a horse!

[To her father]
Papa, what’s the matter with him? Papa! Look, papa!

[Screams]
Ivan Vassilevitch! He’s dead!