PAGE 7
The Inca Of Perusalem: An Almost Historical Comedietta
by
THE MANAGER.Captain Duval.
[The Inca, in military uniform, advances with a marked and imposing stage walk; stops; orders the trembling Manager by a gesture to place the jewel case on the table; dismisses him with a frown; touches his helmet graciously to Ermyntrude; and takes off his cloak.]
THE INCA.I beg you, madam, to be quite at your ease, and to speak to me without ceremony.
ERMYNTRUDE[moving haughtily and carelessly to the table]. I hadn’t the slightest intention of treating you with ceremony. [She sits down: a liberty which gives him a perceptible shock.] I am quite at a loss to imagine why I should treat a perfect stranger named Duval: a captain! almost a subaltern! with the smallest ceremony.
THE INCA.That is true. I had for the moment forgotten my position.
ERMYNTRUDE.It doesn’t matter. You may sit down.
THE INCA[frowning.] What!
ERMYNTRUDE.I said, you…may…sit…down.
THE INCA.Oh. [His moustache droops. He sits down.]
ERMYNTRUDE.What is your business?
THE INCA.I come on behalf of the Inca of Perusalem.
ERMYNTRUDE.The Allerhochst?
THE INCA.Precisely.
ERMYNTRUDE.I wonder does he feel ridiculous when people call him the Allerhochst.
THE INCA[surprised]. Why should he? He IS the Allerhochst.
ERMYNTRUDE.Is he nice looking?
THE INCA.I–er. Er–I. I–er. I am not a good judge.
ERMYNTRUDE.They say he takes himself very seriously.
THE INCA.Why should he not, madam? Providence has entrusted to his family the care of a mighty empire. He is in a position of half divine, half paternal, responsibility towards sixty millions of people, whose duty it is to die for him at the word of command. To take himself otherwise than seriously would be blasphemous. It is a punishable offence–severely punishable–in Perusalem. It is called Incadisparagement.
ERMYNTRUDE.How cheerful! Can he laugh?
THE INCA.Certainly, madam. [He laughs, harshly and mirthlessly.] Ha ha! Ha ha ha!
ERMYNTRUDE[frigidly]. I asked could the Inca laugh. I did not ask could you laugh.
THE INCA.That is true, madam. [Chuckling.] Devilish amusing, that! [He laughs, genially and sincerely, and becomes a much more agreeable person.] Pardon me: I am now laughing because I cannot help it. I am amused. The other was merely an imitation: a failure, I admit.
ERMYNTRUDE.You intimated that you had some business?
THE INCA[producing a very large jewel case, and relapsing into solemnity.] I am instructed by the Allerhochst to take a careful note of your features and figure, and, if I consider them satisfactory, to present you with this trifling token of His Imperial Majesty’s regard. I do consider them satisfactory. Allow me [he opens the jewel case and presents it.]
ERMYNTRUDE[staring at the contents]. What awful taste he must have! I can’t wear that.
THE INCA[reddening]. Take care, madam! This brooch was designed by the Inca himself. Allow me to explain the design. In the centre, the shield of Arminius. The ten surrounding medallions represent the ten castles of His Majesty. The rim is a piece of the telephone cable laid by His Majesty across the Shipskeel canal. The pin is a model in miniature of the sword of Henry the Birdcatcher.
ERMYNTRUDE.Miniature! It must be bigger than the original. My good man, you don’t expect me to wear this round my neck: it’s as big as a turtle. [He shuts the case with an angry snap.] How much did it cost?
THE INCA.For materials and manufacture alone, half a million Perusalem dollars, madam. The Inca’s design constitutes it a work of art. As such, it is now worth probably ten million dollars.