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THE ARCHDEACON.I had to do the best for you, my child. Roosenhonkers-Pipstein was a millionaire.

ERMYNTRUDE.How did you know he was a millionaire?

THE ARCHDEACON.He came from America. Of course he was a millionaire. Besides, he proved to my solicitors that he had fifteen million dollars when you married him.

ERMYNTRUDE.His solicitors proved to me that he had sixteen millions when he died. He was a millionaire to the last.

THE ARCHDEACON.O Mammon, Mammon! I am punished now for bowing the knee to him. Is there nothing left of your settlement? Fifty thousand dollars a year it secured to you, as we all thought. Only half the securities could be called speculative. The other half were gilt-edged. What has become of it all?

ERMYNTRUDE.The speculative ones were not paid up; and the gilt-edged ones just paid the calls on them until the whole show burst up.

THE ARCHDEACON.Ermyntrude: what expressions!

ERMYNTRUDE.Oh bother! If you had lost ten thousand a year what expressions would you use, do you think? The long and the short of it is that I can’t live in the squalid way you are accustomed to.

THE ARCHDEACON.Squalid!

ERMYNTRUDE.I have formed habits of comfort.

THE ARCHDEACON.Comfort!!

ERMYNTRUDE.Well, elegance if you like. Luxury, if you insist. Call it what you please. A house that costs less than a hundred thousand dollars a year to run is intolerable to me.

THE ARCHDEACON.Then, my dear, you had better become lady’s maid to a princess until you can find another millionaire to marry you.

ERMYNTRUDE.That’s an idea. I will. [She vanishes through the curtains.]

THE ARCHDEACON.What! Come back. Come back this instant. [The lights are lowered.] Oh, very well: I have nothing more to say. [He descends the steps into the auditorium and makes for the door, grumbling all the time.] Insane, senseless extravagance! [Barking.] Worthlessness!! [Muttering.] I will not bear it any longer. Dresses, hats, furs, gloves, motor rides: one bill after another: money going like water. No restraint, no self-control, no decency. [Shrieking.] I say, no decency! [Muttering again.] Nice state of things we are coming to! A pretty world! But I simply will not bear it. She can do as she likes. I wash my hands of her: I am not going to die in the workhouse for any good-for-nothing, undutiful, spendthrift daughter; and the sooner that is understood by everybody the better for all par—- [He is by this time out of hearing in the corridor.]

THE PLAY

[A hotel sitting room. A table in the centre. On it a telephone. Two chairs at it, opposite one another. Behind it, the door. The fireplace has a mirror in the mantelpiece.

A spinster Princess, hatted and gloved, is ushered in by the hotel manager, spruce and artifically bland by professional habit, but treating his customer with a condescending affability which sails very close to the east wind of insolence.]

THE MANAGER.I am sorry I am unable to accommodate Your Highness on the first floor.

THE PRINCESS[very shy and nervous.] Oh, please don’t mention it. This is quite nice. Very nice. Thank you very much.

THE MANAGER.We could prepare a room in the annexe–

THE PRINCESS.Oh no. This will do very well.

[She takes of her gloves and hat: puts them on the table; and sits down.]

THE MANAGER.The rooms are quite as good up here. There is less noise; and there is the lift. If Your Highness desires anything, there is the telephone–

THE PRINCESS.Oh, thank you, I don’t want anything. The telephone is so difficult: I am not accustomed to it.