FullReads

ERMYNTRUDE.Quite a large choice, eh?

THE INCA.But very little to choose, believe me. I should not recommend Pongo, because he snores so frightfully that it has been necessary to build him a sound-proof bedroom: otherwise the royal family would get no sleep. But any of the others would suit equally well–if you are really bent on marrying one of them.

ERMYNTRUDE.If! What is this? I never wanted to marry one of them. I thought you wanted me to.

THE INCA.I did, madam; but [confidentially, flattering her] you are not quite the sort of person I expected you to be; and I doubt whether any of these young degenerates would make you happy. I trust I am not showing any want of natural feeling when I say that from the point of view of a lively, accomplished, and beautiful woman [Ermyntrude bows] they might pall after a time. I suggest that you might prefer the Inca himself.

ERMYNTRUDE.Oh, Captain, how could a humble person like myself be of any interest to a prince who is surrounded with the ablest and most far-reaching intellects in the world?

TAE INCA [explosively]. What on earth are you talking about, madam? Can you name a single man in the entourage of the Inca who is not a born fool?

ERMYNTRUDE.Oh, how can you say that! There is Admiral von Cockpits–

THE INCA[rising intolerantly and striding about the room]. Von Cockpits! Madam, if Von Cockpits ever goes to heaven, before three weeks are over the Angel Gabriel will be at war with the man in the moon.

ERMYNTRUDE.But General Von Schinkenburg–

THE INCA.Schinkenburg! I grant you, Schinkenburg has a genius for defending market gardens. Among market gardens he is invincible. But what is the good of that? The world does not consist of market gardens. Turn him loose in pasture and he is lost. The Inca has defeated all these generals again and again at manoeuvres; and yet he has to give place to them in the field because he would be blamed for every disaster–accused of sacrificing the country to his vanity. Vanity! Why do they call him vain? Just because he is one of the few men who are not afraid to live. Why do they call themselves brave? Because they have not sense enough to be afraid to die. Within the last year the world has produced millions of heroes. Has it produced more than one Inca? [He resumes his seat.]

ERMYNTRUDE.Fortunately not, Captain. I’d rather marry Chips.

THE INCA[making a wry face]. Chips! Oh no: I wouldn’t marry Chips.

ERMYNTRUDE.Why?

THE INCA[whispering the secret]. Chips talks too much about himself.

ERMYNTRUDE.Well, what about Snooks?

THE INCA.Snooks? Who is he? Have I a son named Snooks? There are so many–[wearily] so many–that I often forget. [Casually.] But I wouldn’t marry him, anyhow, if I were you.

ERMYNTRUDE.But hasn’t any of them inherited the family genius? Surely, if Providence has entrusted them with the care of Perusalem–if they are all descended from Bedrock the Great–

THE INCA[interrupting her impatiently]. Madam, if you ask me, I consider Bedrock a grossly overrated monarch.

ERMYNTRUDE[shocked]. Oh, Captain! Take care! Incadisparagement.

THE INCA.I repeat, grossly overrated. Strictly between ourselves, I do not believe all this about Providence entrusting the care of sixty million human beings to the abilities of Chips and the Piffler and Jack Johnson. I believe in individual genius. That is the Inca’s secret. It must be. Why, hang it all, madam, if it were a mere family matter, the Inca’s uncle would have been as great a man as the Inca. And–well, everybody knows what the Inca’s uncle was.