FullReads

ROBERTS.
“And a dinner getting cold, and a cook getting hot.”

LAWTON.
“And you are expected to account for the whole situation.”

CAMPBELL.
“Oh, I understand! I don’t know what your little game is, Agnes, but I can wait and see. I’M not hungry.”

MRS. ROBERTS.
“Willis, do you think I would try and play a trick on you, if I could?”

CAMPBELL.
“I think you can’t. Come, now, Agnes! It’s a failure. Own up, and bring the rest of the company out of the next room. I suppose almost anything is allowable at this festive season, but this is pretty feeble.”

MRS. ROBERTS.
“Indeed, indeed, they are not there.”

CAMPBELL.
“Where are they, then?”

ALL.
“That’s what we don’t know.”

CAMPBELL.
“Oh, come, now! that’s a little too thin. You don’t know where ANY of all these blood-relations and connections by marriage are? Well, search me!”

MRS. ROBERTS,
in open distress: “Oh, I’m sure something must have happened to Aunt Mary!”

MRS. MILLER.
“I can’t understand what Ellery C. Miller means.”

LAWTON,
with a simulated sternness: “I hope you haven’t let that son of yours run away with my daughter, Bemis?”

BEMIS.
“I’m afraid he’s come to a pass where he wouldn’t ask MY leave.”

CURWEN,
re-assuring himself: “Ah, she’s all right, of course. I know that” –

BEMIS.
“Miss Lawton?”

CURWEN.
“No, no–Mrs. Curwen.”

CAMPBELL.
“Is it a true bill, Agnes?”

MRS. ROBERTS.
“Indeed it is, Willis. We’ve been expecting her for an hour–of course she always comes early–and I’m afraid she’s been taken ill suddenly.”

ROBERTS.
“Oh, I don’t think it’s that, my dear.”

MRS. ROBERTS.
“Oh, of course you never think anything’s wrong, Edward. My whole family might die, and”–MRS. ROBERTS restrains herself, and turns to MR. CAMPBELL, with hysterical cheerfulness: “Who came up in the elevator with you?”

CAMPBELL.
“Me? I didn’t come in the elevator. I had my usual luck. The elevator was up somewhere, and after I’d pressed the annunciator button till my thumb ached, I watched my chance and walked up.”

MRS. ROBERTS.
“Where was the janitor?”

CAMPBELL.
“Where the janitor always is–nowhere.”

LAWTON.
“Eating his Christmas dinner, probably.”

MRS. ROBERTS,
partially abandoning and then recovering herself: “Yes, it’s perfectly spoiled! Well, friends, I think we’d better go to dinner–that’s the only way to bring them. I’ll go out and interview the cook.” Sotto voce to her husband: “If I don’t go somewhere and have a cry, I shall break down here before everybody. Did you ever know anything so strange? It’s perfectly–pokerish.”

LAWTON.
“Yes, there’s nothing like serving dinner to bring the belated guest. It’s as infallible as going without an umbrella when it won’t rain.”

CAMPBELL.
“No, no! Wait a minute, Roberts. You might sit down without one guest, but you can’t sit down without five. It’s the old joke about the part of Hamlet. I’ll just step round to Aunt Mary’s house–why, I’ll be back in three minutes.”

MRS. ROBERTS,
with perfervid gratitude: “Oh, how GOOD you are, Willis! You don’t know how MUCH you’re doing! What presence of mind you have! Why couldn’t we have thought of sending for her? O Willis, I can never be grateful enough to you! But you always think of everything.”

ROBERTS.
“I accept my punishment meekly, Willis, since it’s in your honor.”

LAWTON.
“It’s a simple and beautiful solution, Mrs. Roberts, as far as your aunt’s concerned; but I don’t see how it helps the rest of us.”