FullReads

MRS. MILLER.
“I’m SURE I don’t know what you mean. I should never think of giving a dinner without Mr. Miller.”

LAWTON.
“No?” A ring is heard. “There’s Bemis.”

MRS. MILLER.
“It’s Mr. Miller.”

MRS. ROBERTS.
“Aunt Mary at last!” As she bustles toward the door: “Edward, there are twelve–Aunt Mary and Willis.”

ROBERTS.
“Oh, yes. I totally forgot Willis.”

LAWTON.
“Who’s Willis?”

ROBERTS.
“Willis? Oh, Willis is my wife’s brother. We always have him.”

LAWTON.
“Oh, yes, Campbell.”

MRS. ROBERTS,
without: “Mr. Bemis! So kind of you to come on Christmas.”

MR. BEMIS,
without: “So kind of you to ask us houseless strangers.”

MRS. ROBERTS,
without: “I ran out here, thinking it was my aunt. She’s played us a trick, and hasn’t come yet.”

BEMIS
, entering the drawing-room with Mrs. Roberts: “I hope she won’t fail altogether. I haven’t met her for twenty years, and I counted so much upon the pleasure–Hello, Lawton!”

LAWTON.
“Hullo, old fellow!” They fly at each other, and shake hands. “Glad to see you again.

BEMIS
, reaching his left hand to MR. ROBERTS, while MR. LAWTON keeps his right: “Ah! Mr. Roberts.”

LAWTON.
“Oh, never mind HIM. He’s merely the husband of the hostess.”

MRS. MILLER to ROBERTS.
“What DOES he mean?”

ROBERTS.
“Oh, nothing. Merely a joke he’s experimenting with.”

LAWTON to BEMIS
: “Where’s your boy?”

BEMIS.
“He’ll be here directly. He preferred to walk. Where’s your girl?”

LAWTON.
“Oh, she’ll come by and by. She preferred to drive.”

MRS. ROBERTS,
introducing them: “Mr. Bemis, have you met Mrs. Miller?” She drifts away again, manifestly too uneasy to resume even a provisional pose on the sofa, and walks detachedly about the room.

BEMIS.
“What a lovely apartment Mrs. Roberts has.”

MRS. MILLER.
“Exquisite! But then she has such perfect taste.”

BEMIS to MRS. ROBERTS,
who drifts near them: “We were talking about your apartment, Mrs. Roberts. It’s charming.”

MRS. ROBERTS.
“It IS nice. It’s the ideal way of living. All on one floor. No stairs. Nothing.”

BEMIS.
“Yes, when once you get here! But that little matter of five pair up” –

MRS. ROBERTS.
“You don’t mean to say you WALKED up! Why in the world didn’t you take the elevator?”

BEMIS.
“I didn’t know you had one.”

MRS. ROBERTS.
“It’s the only thing that makes life worth living in a flat. All these apartment hotels have them.”

BEMIS.
“Bless me! Well, you see, I’ve been away from Boston so long, and am back so short a time, that I can’t realize your luxuries and conveniences. In Florence we ALWAYS walk up. They have ascenseurs in a few great hotels, and they brag of it in immense signs on the sides of the building.”

LAWTON.
“What pastoral simplicity! We are elevated here to a degree that you can’t conceive of, gentle shepherd. Has yours got an air- cushion, Mrs. Roberts?”

MRS. ROBERTS.
“An air-cushion? What’s that?”

LAWTON.
“The only thing that makes your life worth a moment’s purchase in an elevator. You get in with a glass of water, a basket of eggs, and a file of the ‘Daily Advertiser.’ They cut the elevator loose at the top, and you drop.”

BOTH LADIES.
“Oh!”

LAWTON.
“In three seconds you arrive at the ground-floor, reading your file of the ‘Daily Advertiser;’ not an egg broken nor a drop spilled. I saw it done in a New York hotel. The air is compressed under the elevator, and acts as a sort of ethereal buffer.”