FullReads

KHIRIN.
My health matters more to me than your shareholders. I’ve an inflammation all over me.

SHIPUCHIN.
[Excitedly]

But you will admit that it’s untidy! You spoil the ensemble!

KHIRIN.
If the deputation comes I can go and hide myself. It won’t matter if… seven… one… seven… two… one… five… nought. I don’t like untidiness myself…. Seven… two… nine…

[Uses the counting-frame]
I can’t stand untidiness! It would have been wiser of you not to have invited ladies to to-day’s anniversary dinner….

SHIPUCHIN.
Oh, that’s nothing.

KHIRIN.
I know that you’re going to have the hall filled with them to-night to make a good show, but you look out, or they’ll spoil everything. They cause all sorts of mischief and disorder.

SHIPUCHIN.
On the contrary, feminine society elevates!

KHIRIN.
Yes…. Your wife seems intelligent, but on the Monday of last week she let something off that upset me for two days. In front of a lot of people she suddenly asks: “Is it true that at our Bank my husband bought up a lot of the shares of the Driazhsky-Priazhsky Bank, which have been falling on exchange? My husband is so annoyed about it!” This in front of people. Why do you tell them everything, I don’t understand. Do you want them to get you into serious trouble?

SHIPUCHIN.
Well, that’s enough, enough! All that’s too dull for an anniversary. Which reminds me, by the way.

[Looks at the time]
My wife ought to be here soon. I really ought to have gone to the station, to meet the poor little thing, but there’s no time…. and I’m tired. I must say I’m not glad of her! That is to say, I am glad, but I’d be gladder if she only stayed another couple of days with her mother. She’ll want me to spend the whole evening with her to-night, whereas we have arranged a little excursion for ourselves….

[Shivers]
Oh, my nerves have already started dancing me about. They are so strained that I think the very smallest trifle would be enough to make me break into tears! No, I must be strong, as my name’s Shipuchin!

[Enter TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA SHIPUCHIN in a waterproof, with a little travelling satchel slung across her shoulder.]

SHIPUCHIN.
Ah! In the nick of time!

TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA.
Darling!

[Runs to her husband: a prolonged kiss.]

SHIPUCHIN.
We were only speaking of you just now!

[Looks at his watch.]

TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA.
[Panting]

Were you very dull without me? Are you well? I haven’t been home yet, I came here straight from the station. I’ve a lot, a lot to tell you…. I couldn’t wait…. I shan’t take off my clothes, I’ll only stay a minute.

[To KHIRIN]
Good morning, Kusma Nicolaievitch!

[To her husband]
Is everything all right at home?

SHIPUCHIN.
Yes, quite. And, you know, you’ve got to look plumper and better this week…. Well, what sort of a time did you have?

TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA.
Splendid. Mamma and Katya send their regards. Vassili Andreitch sends you a kiss. [Kisses him] Aunt sends you a jar of jam, and is annoyed because you don’t write. Zina sends you a kiss.

[Kisses.]
Oh, if you knew what’s happened. If you only knew! I’m even frightened to tell you! Oh, if you only knew! But I see by your eyes that you’re sorry I came!

SHIPUCHIN.
On the contrary…. Darling….

[Kisses her.]

[KHIRIN coughs angrily.]

TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA.
Oh, poor Katya, poor Katya! I’m so sorry for her, so sorry for her.

SHIPUCHIN.
This is the Bank’s anniversary to-day, darling, we may get a deputation of the shareholders at any moment, and you’re not dressed.