FullReads

[Sighs]
Yes, fifteen years! Fifteen years as my name’s Shipuchin!

[Changes his tone]
Where’s my report? Is it getting on?

KHIRIN.
Yes; there’s only five pages left.

SHIPUCHIN.
Excellent. Then it will be ready by three?

KHIRIN.
If nothing occurs to disturb me, I’ll get it done. Nothing of any importance is now left.

SHIPUCHIN.
Splendid. Splendid, as my name’s Shipuchin! The general meeting will be at four. If you please, my dear fellow. Give me the first half, I’ll peruse it…. Quick….

[Takes the report]
I base enormous hopes on this report. It’s my profession de foi, or, better still, my firework. [Note: The actual word employed.]

My firework, as my name’s Shipuchin!

[Sits and reads the report to himself]
I’m hellishly tired…. My gout kept on giving me trouble last night, all the morning I was running about, and then these excitements, ovations, agitations… I’m tired!

KHIRIN.
Two… nought… nought… three… nine… two… nought. I can’t see straight after all these figures…. Three… one… six… four… one… five….

[Uses the counting-frame.]

SHIPUCHIN.
Another unpleasantness…. This morning your wife came to see me and complained about you once again. Said that last night you threatened her and her sister with a knife. Kusma Nicolaievitch, what do you mean by that? Oh, oh!

KHIRIN.
[Rudely]

As it’s an anniversary, Andrey Andreyevitch, I’ll ask for a special favour. Please, even if it’s only out of respect for my toil, don’t interfere in my family life. Please!

SHIPUCHIN.
[Sighs]
Yours is an impossible character, Kusma Nicolaievitch! You’re an excellent and respected man, but you behave to women like some scoundrel. Yes, really. I don’t understand why you hate them so?

KHIRIN.
I wish I could understand why you love them so!
[Pause.]

SHIPUCHIN.
The employees have just presented me with an album; and the Directors, as I’ve heard, are going to give me an address and a silver loving-cup….

[Playing with his monocle]
Very nice, as my name’s Shipuchin! It isn’t excessive. A certain pomp is essential to the reputation of the Bank, devil take it! You know everything, of course…. I composed the address myself, and I bought the cup myself, too…. Well, then there was 45 roubles for the cover of the address, but you can’t do without that. They’d never have thought of it for themselves.

[Looks round]
Look at the furniture! Just look at it! They say I’m stingy, that all I want is that the locks on the doors should be polished, that the employees should wear fashionable ties, and that a fat hall-porter should stand by the door. No, no, sirs. Polished locks and a fat porter mean a good deal. I can behave as I like at home, eat and sleep like a pig, get drunk….

KHIRIN.
Please don’t make hints.

SHIPUCHIN.
Nobody’s making hints! What an impossible character yours is…. As I was saying, at home I can live like a tradesman, a parvenu, and be up to any games I like, but here everything must be en grand. This is a Bank! Here every detail must imponiren, so to speak, and have a majestic appearance.

[He picks up a paper from the floor and throws it into the fireplace]
My service to the Bank has been just this–I’ve raised its reputation. A thing of immense importance is tone! Immense, as my name’s Shipuchin!

[Looks over KHIRIN]
My dear man, a deputation of shareholders may come here any moment, and there you are in felt boots, wearing a scarf… in some absurdly coloured jacket…. You might have put on a frock-coat, or at any rate a dark jacket….