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O’Flaherty V.C.: A recruiting pamphlet
by
MRS O’FLAHERTY
. Is it take me into a strange land among heathens and pagans and savages, and me not knowing a word of their language nor them of mine?
O’FLAHERTY
. A good job they don’t: maybe they’ll think you’re talking sense.
MRS O’FLAHERTY
. Ask me to die out of Ireland, is it? and the angels not to find me when they come for me!
O’FLAHERTY
. And would you ask me to live in Ireland where I’ve been imposed on and kept in ignorance, and to die where the divil himself wouldn’t take me as a gift, let alone the blessed angels? You can come or stay. You can take your old way or take my young way. But stick in this place I will not among a lot of good-for-nothing divils that’ll not do a hand’s turn but watch the grass growing and build up the stone wall where the cow walked through it. And Sir Horace Plunkett breaking his heart all the time telling them how they might put the land into decent tillage like the French and Belgians.
SIR PEARCE
. Yes, he’s quite right, you know, Mrs O’Flaherty: quite right there.
MRS O’FLAHERTY
. Well, sir, please God the war will last a long time yet; and maybe I’ll die before it’s over and the separation allowance stops.
O’FLAHERTY
. That’s all you care about. It’s nothing but milch cows we men are for the women, with their separation allowances, ever since the war began, bad luck to them that made it!
TERESA
[coming from the porch between the General and Mrs O’Flaherty. Hannah sent me out for to tell you, sir, that the tea will be black and the cake not fit to eat with the cold if yous all don’t come at wanst.
MRS O’FLAHERTY
[breaking out again]. Oh, Tessie darlint, what have you been saying to Dinny at all at all? Oh! Oh–
SIR PEARCE
[out of patience]. You can’t discuss that here. We shall have Tessie beginning now.
O’FLAHERTY
. That’s right, sir: drive them in.
TERESA
. I haven’t said a word to him. He–
SIR PEARCE
. Hold your tongue; and go in and attend to your business at the tea table.
TERESA
. But amment I telling your honor that I never said a word to him? He gave me a beautiful gold chain. Here it is to show your honor that it’s no lie I’m telling you.
SIR PEARCE
. What’s this, O’Flaherty? You’ve been looting some unfortunate officer.
O’FLAHERTY
. No, sir: I stole it from him of his own accord.
MRS O’FLAHERTY
. Wouldn’t your honor tell him that his mother has the first call on it? What would a slip of a girl like that be doing with a gold chain round her neck?
TERESA
[venomously]. Anyhow, I have a neck to put it round and not a hank of wrinkles.
At this unfortunate remark, Mrs O’Flaherty bounds from her seat: and an appalling tempest of wordy wrath breaks out. The remonstrances and commands of the General, and the protests and menaces of O’Flaherty, only increase the hubbub. They are soon all speaking at once at the top of their voices.
MRS O’FLAHERTY
[solo]. You impudent young heifer, how dar you say such a thing to me? [Teresa retorts furiously: the men interfere: and the solo becomes a quartet, fortissimo.] I’ve a good mind to clout your ears for you to teach you manners. Be ashamed of yourself, do; and learn to know who you’re speaking to. That I maytn’t sin! but I don’t know what the good God was thinking about when he made the like of you. Let me not see you casting sheep’s eyes at my son again. There never was an O’Flaherty yet that would demean himself by keeping company with a dirty Driscoll; and if I see you next or nigh my house I’ll put you in the ditch with a flea in your ear: mind that now.