FullReads

PERCIVAL. You should have thought of that before you attacked a lady with a dastardly slander. I’m waiting for your decision. I’m rather in a hurry, please.

GUNNER. I never said anything against the lady.

 

 MRS TARLETON. |  Oh, listen to that!
 

 |
 

 BENTLEY.   |  What a liar!
 

 |
 

 HYPATIA.   |  Oh!
 

 |
 

 TARLETON.  |  Oh, come!
 

 

PERCIVAL. We’ll have it in writing, if you dont mind. [Pointing to the writing table] Sit down; and take that pen in your hand. [Gunner looks irresolutely a little way round; then obeys]. Now write. “I,” whatever your name is–

GUNNER[after a vain attempt] I cant. My hand’s shaking too much. You see it’s no use. I’m doing my best. I cant.

PERCIVAL. Mr Summerhays will write it: you can sign it.

BENTLEY. [insolently to Gunner] Get up. [Gunner obeys; and Bentley, shouldering him aside towards Percival, takes his place and prepares to write].

PERCIVAL. Whats your name?

GUNNER. John Brown.

TARLETON.Oh come! Couldnt you make it Horace Smith? or Algernon Robinson?

GUNNER. [agitatedly] But my name is John Brown. There are really John Browns. How can I help it if my name’s a common one?

BENTLEY. Shew us a letter addressed to you.

GUNNER. How can I? I never get any letters: I’m only a clerk. I can shew you J. B. on my handkerchief. [He takes out a not very clean one].

BENTLEY. [with disgust] Oh, put it up again. Let it go at John Brown.

PERCIVAL. Where do you live?

GUNNER. 4 Chesterfield Parade, Kentish Town, N.W.

PERCIVAL. [dictating] I, John Brown, of 4 Chesterfield Parade, Kentish Town, do hereby voluntarily confess that on the 31st May 1909 I– [To Tarleton] What did he do exactly?

TARLETON.[dictating] –I trespassed on the land of John Tarleton at Hindhead, and effected an unlawful entry into his house, where I secreted myself in a portable Turkish bath–

BENTLEY. Go slow, old man. Just a moment. “Turkish bath”–yes?

TARLETON.[continuing] –with a pistol, with which I threatened to take the life of the said John Tarleton–

MRS TARLETON. Oh, John! You might have been killed.

TARLETON.–and was prevented from doing so only by the timely arrival of the celebrated Miss Lina Szczepanowska.

MRS TARLETON. Is she celebrated? [Apologetically] I never dreamt–

BENTLEY. Look here: I’m awfully sorry; but I cant spell Szczepanowska.

PERCIVAL. I think it’s S, z, c, z– [Lina gives him her visiting-card]. Thank you. [He throws it on Bentley’s blotter].

BENTLEY. Thanks awfully. [He writes the name].

TARLETON.[to Percival] Now it’s your turn.

PERCIVAL. [dictating] I further confess that I was guilty of uttering an abominable calumny concerning Miss Hypatia Tarleton, for which there was not a shred of foundation.