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Five O’Clock Tea: Farce
by
Bemis, to Mrs. Roberts: “I hope Mr. Roberts’s distinguished friend won’t give us the slip on account of the storm.”
Roberts:“Oh no; he’ll be sure to come. He may be late. But he’s the most amiable of Englishmen, and I know he won’t disappoint Mrs. Somers.”
Bemis:“The most unamiable of Englishmen couldn’t do that.”
Roberts:“Ah, I don’t know. Did you meet Mr. Pogis?”
Bemis:“No; what did he do?”
Roberts:“Why, he came–to the Hibbens’s dinner–in a sack coat.”
Mrs. Roberts:“I thought it was a Cardigan jacket.”
Bemis:“I heard a Norfolk jacket and knickerbockers.”
Mrs. Somers:“Ah, there is Mrs. Curwen!” To Campbell, aside: “And without her husband!”
Campbell:“Or any one else’s husband.”
Mrs. Somers:“For shame!”
Campbell:“You began it.”
Mrs. Somers:, to Mrs. Curwen; who approaches her sofa: “You are kindness itself, Mrs. Curwen, to come on such a day.” The ladies press each other’s hands.
IV
[MRS. CURWEN and the OTHERS]
Mrs. Curwen:“You are goodness in person, Mrs. Somers, to say so.”
Campbell:“And I am magnanimity embodied. Let me introduce myself, Mrs. Curwen!” He bows, and Mrs. Curwen deeply courtesies.
Mrs. Curwen:“I should never have known you.”
Campbell, melodramatically, to Mrs. Somers: “Tea, ho! for Mrs. Curwen–impenetrably disguised as kindness.”
Mrs. Curwen:“What shall I say to him?”
Mrs. Somers:, pouring the tea: “Anything you like, Mrs. Curwen. Aren’t we to see Mr. Curwen to-day?”
Mrs. Curwen, taking her tea: “No, I’m his insufficient apology. He’s detained at his office–business.”
Campbell:“Then you see they don’t all come, Mrs. Somers.”
Mrs. Curwen:“All what?”
Campbell:“Oh, all the–heroes.”
Mrs. Curwen:“Is that what he was going to say, Mrs. Somers?”
Mrs. Somers:“You never can tell what he’s going to say.”
Mrs. Curwen:“I should think you would be afraid of him.”
Mrs. Somers, with a little shrug: “Oh no; he’s quite harmless. It’s just a little way he has.” To Mr. and Mrs. Miller, Mr. and Mrs. Alfred Bemis, and Dr. Lawton, who all appear together: “Ah, how do you do? So glad to see you! So very kind of you! I didn’t suppose you would venture out. And you too, Doctor?” She begins to pour out tea for them, one after another, with great zeal.
V
[DR. LAWTON, MR. and MRS. MILLER, YOUNG MR. and MRS. BEMIS, and the OTHERS]
Dr. Lawton:“Yes, I too. It sounded very much as if I were Brutus also.” He stirs his tea and stares round at the company. “It seems to me that I have met these conspirators before. That’s what makes Boston insupportable. You’re always meeting the same people!”
Campbell:“We all feel it as keenly as you do, Doctor.”
Dr. Lawton, looking sharply at him: “Oh! you here? I might have expected it. Where is your aunt?”
VI
[MRS. CRASHAW and the OTHERS]
Mrs. Crashaw:, appearing: “If you mean me, Dr. Lawton–“
Lawton:“I do, my dear friend. What company is complete without you?”
Mrs. Somers:, reaching forward to take her hand, while with her disengaged hand she begins to pour her a cup of tea: “None in my house.”
Mrs. Crashaw:“Very pretty.” Taking her tea. “I hope it isn’t complete, either, without the English painter you promised us.”
Mrs. Somers:“No, indeed! And a great many other people besides. But haven’t you met him yet? I supposed Mrs. Roberts–“