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Evening Dress: Farce
by
MRS. CAMPBELL. “In those gloves! You’re crazy, Agnes! Edward, I’ll tell you what Willis does, when he’s out of sorts a little: he takes a taste of whiskey-and-water. He says nothing freshens him up like it.”
ROBERTS. “That’s a good idea.”
MRS. ROBERTS, bustling into the dining-room and reappearing with a tumbler and a decanter: “The very thing, Amy! And thank you so much. Trying to make Edward remember seems to put everything out of my head! I might have thought of whiskey, though! If it’s only loss of sleep, it will wake him up, and if it’s grippe, it’s the most nourishing thing in the world.”
ROBERTS. “I’m not going to have the grippe, Agnes.”
MRS. ROBERTS. “Edward! Don’t boast! You may be stricken down in an instant. I heard of one person who was taken so suddenly she hadn’t time to get her things off, and tumbled right on the bed. You must put some water in it, of course; and hot water is very soothing. You can use some out of the pipes; it’s perfectly good.”
MRS. CAMPBELL. “Agnes, are you never coming?”
ROBERTS. “Yes, go along, Agnes, do! I shall get on quite well, now. You needn’t wait.”
MRS. ROBERTS. “Oh, if I could only stay and think for you, dearest! But I can’t, and you must do the best you can. Do keep repeating it all over! It’s the only way–“
MRS. CAMPBELL, from the door: “Agnes!”
MRS. ROBERTS. “Amy, I’m coming instantly.”
MRS. CAMPBELL. “I declare I shall go without you!”
MRS. ROBERTS. “And I shouldn’t blame you a bit, Amy! And if it turns out to be the grippe, Edward, don’t lose an instant. Send for the doctor as fast as the district messenger can fly; give him his car fare, and let one come for me; and jump into bed and cover up warm, and keep up the nourishment with the whiskey; there’s another bottle in the sideboard; and perhaps you’d better break a raw egg in it. I heard of one person that they gave three dozen raw eggs a day to in typhoid fever, and even then he died; so you must nourish yourself all you can. And–“
MRS. CAMPBELL. “Agnes! I’m going!”
MRS. ROBERTS. “I’m coming! Edward!”
ROBERTS. “Well?”
MRS. ROBERTS. “There is something else, very important. And I can’t think of it!”
ROBERTS. “Liebig’s extract of beef?”
MRS. ROBERTS, distractedly: “No, no! And it wasn’t oysters, either, though they’re very nourishing, too. Oh, dear! What–“
MRS. CAMPBELL. “Going, Agnes!”
MRS. ROBERTS. “Coming, Amy! Try to think of something else that I ought to remember, Edward!”
ROBERTS. “Some word to the girls when they come in?”
MRS. ROBERTS. “No!”
ROBERTS. “About the children, something?”
MRS. ROBERTS. “No, no!”
ROBERTS. “Willis, then; what Amy wants him to do?”
MRS. ROBERTS. “Oh, no, no! I shall surely die if I can’t think of it!”
MRS. CAMPBELL, at the door of the apartment: “Gone!”
MRS. ROBERTS, flying after her, as the door closes with a bang: “Oh, Amy! how can you be so heartless? She’s driven it quite out of my head!”
II
MR. WILLIS CAMPBELL . “Hello, hello, hello! Oh, hello, hello, hello! Wake up, in there! Roberts, wake up! Sound the loud timbrel! Fire, murder, and sudden death! Wake up! Monday morning, you know; here’s Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, all gone and nothing done! Come, arouse thee, my merry Swiss boy! Take thy pail and to labor away! All aboard! Train for Newton, West Newton, Newtonville, Auburndale, Riverside, and Newton Lower Falls, on track No. 5. Express to Newton. Wake up, Roberts! Here’s McIlheny, out here, wants to know why you took his wife for a cook. Hurry up! he can’t wait. Wake up, you old seven-by-nine sleeper, you, or Mrs. Miller’s musicale will just simply expire on the spot. Come! It’s after ten o’clock now, or it will be in about five minutes. Hurry up! Hello, hello, hello!” Campbell accompanies his appeals with a tempest of knocks, thumps, and bangs on the outside of Roberts’s chamber door. Within, Roberts is discovered, at first stretched on his bed in profound repose, which becomes less and less perfect as Campbell’s blows and cries penetrate to his consciousness. He moves, groans, drops back into slumber, groans again, coughs, sits up on the bed, where he has thrown himself with all his clothes on, and listens. “I say, aren’t you going to Mrs. Miller’s? If you are, you’d better get out of bed some time before the last call for breakfast. Now ready in the dining-car!”