PAGE 11
Evening Dress: Farce
by
CAMPBELL. “Well, well, he must have a divorce, then; but not till after supper.”
MRS. CAMPBELL. “Yes, never mind now, Agnes. It’s all turned out well, as it is: Edward has been spared a fearful bore, and nobody will ever be any the wiser about your putting away his evening dress–“
CAMPBELL. “Oh, indeed! Won’t they? When Baker and Merrick meet at the club, and exchange notes about Agnes locking up Roberts’s clothes–“
MRS. ROBERTS, with horror: “Edward! You didn’t send that word to them!”
ROBERTS. “Why–why–I’m afraid we did, something like it, my dear. We had to explain our request, somehow–“
MRS. ROBERTS, relaxing into a chair: “Then I simply never can hold up my head again.” She lets it fall in typical despair.
MRS. CAMPBELL, pressing the annunciator, with the energy of a lioness at bay: “I don’t believe it’s as bad as that. It simply can’t be. It would be too abominable.” As Bella appears in answer to the bell: “Did you tell the gentlemen, when you went to borrow the coats for Mr. Roberts, that Mrs. Roberts had locked up his dress-suit?”
BELLA. “Why, that’s what Mr. Campbell said to say, ma’am, but I didn’t believe Mrs. Roberts would quite like it, ma’am, and so I said–” She hesitates, and Mrs. Roberts springs to her feet, with arms outstretched to her.
MRS. ROBERTS. “What, Bella?”
BELLA. “Why, you know, ma’am, I couldn’t help thinking how things fly about a house like this.”
MRS. ROBERTS. “Yes, yes!”
MRS. CAMPBELL. “Go on!”
BELLA. “I didn’t believe the gentlemen would have sent word like that themselves, if they’d thought of it; and so–“
MRS. ROBERTS. “And so?”
MRS. CAMPBELL. “So?”
BELLA. “I know you like to have me always speak the truth, and so I do, to you, ma’am, and every lady I ever lived with; but I wasn’t going to have that young waitress of Mrs. Baker’s and that nasty cook of Mrs. Merrick’s laughing at us.”
CAMPBELL. “Well, and what did you do?”
MRS. ROBERTS. “Yes, Bella!”
BELLA. “I told Mrs. Merrick’s cook that the gentlemen were getting up some charades; and I told Mr. Baker’s second girl that the tailor hadn’t sent Mr. Roberts’s coat home.”
MRS. CAMPBELL. “Well, you were inspired, Bella.”
MRS. ROBERTS, to Bella: “Oh, you–angel!”
CAMPBELL. “Well, that isn’t quite what they call the father of them. Who was the father of what? But we won’t dispute about terms. The great thing now is to get at that little supper. Come on, Roberts!”
MRS. ROBERTS. “Yes, Edward, take out Amy–“
ROBERTS, putting himself in evidence: “But don’t you see, my dear, I can’t draw a full breath now; and if I were to eat anything–“
MRS. ROBERTS. “Oh, well, go and change them at once. We won’t wait for you, dear, but I’ll see to keeping it hot for you.”
CAMPBELL, as he follows the ladies out of one door, while Roberts vanishes into his dressing-room through the other; “Yes, just slip on anything that will fit you. It’s so near morning now that we won’t insist on evening dress.”