PAGE 9
A Likely Story – Farce
by
CAMPBELL:“Oh, that’s the best of the joke. Mrs. Campbell took a copy”–Mrs. Campbell moans–“she meant to have some fun with you about it, and it’s ten times as much fun as I expected; and in her hurry she sent off her copy and kept the original. Perhaps that makes it better.”
MRS. CAMPBELL,detaching herself from him and confronting Mr. WELLING: “No; worse! She’ll think we’ve been trying to hoax her, and she’ll be in a towering rage; and she’ll show the note to MISS GREENWAY, and you’ll be ruined. Oh poor Mr. Welling! Oh, what a fatal, fatal–mix!” She abandons herself in an attitude of extreme desperation upon a chair, while the men stare at her, till Campbell breaks the spell by starting forward and ringing the bell on the table.
MRS. CAMPBELL:“What are you doing, Willis?”
CAMPBELL:“Ringing for Jane.” As Jane appears: “Did you give Miss Rice the note?”
IV
[JANE; MRS. CAMPBELL; WELLING; CAMPBELL]
JANE:“No, sir; I gave it to the man. He said he would give it to Miss Rice.”
CAMPBELL:“Then it’s all up. If by any chance she hadn’t got it, Amy, you might have sent over for it, and said there was a mistake.”
JANE:“He said Miss Rice was out driving with Miss Greenway in her phaeton, but they expected her back every minute.”
MRS. CAMPBELL:“Oh, my goodness! And you didn’t come to tell me? Oh, if we had only known! We’ve lost our only chance, Willis.”
JANE:“I did come and knock on your door, ma’am, but I couldn’t make you hear.”
CAMPBELL:“There’s still a chance. Perhaps she hasn’t got back yet.”
JANE:“I know she ain’t, sir. I’ve been watching for her ever since. I can always see them come, from the pantry window.”
MRS. CAMPBELL:“Well, then, don’t stand there talking, but run at once! Oh, Willis! Never tell me again that there’s no such thing as an overruling providence. Oh, what an interposition! Oh, I can never be grateful and humble enough–Goodness me, Jane! why don’t you go?”
JANE:“Go where, ma’am? I don’t know what you want me to do. I’m willing enough to do anything if I know what it is, but it’s pretty hard to do things if you don’t.”
CAMPBELL:“You’re perfectly right, Jane. Mrs. Campbell wants you to telegraph yourself over to Mrs. Rice’s, and say to her that the letter you left for Miss Rice is not for her, but another lady, and Mrs. Campbell sent it by mistake. Get it and bring it back here, dead or alive, even if Mrs. Rice has to pass over your mangled body in the attempt.”
JANE,tasting the joke, while Mrs. Campbell gasps in ineffective efforts to reinforce her husband’s instructions: “I will that, sir.”
V
[MRS. CAMPBELL; WELLING; CAMPBELL]
CAMPBELL:“And now, while we’re waiting, let’s all join hands and dance round the table. You’re saved, Welling. So are you, Amy. And so am I–which is more to the point.”
MRS. CAMPBELL,gayly: “Dansons!” She extends her hands to the gentlemen, and as they circle round the breakfast-table she sings,
“Sur le pont d’Avignon,
Tout le monde y danse en rond.”
She frees her hands and courtesies to one gentleman and the other.
“Les belles dames font comme ca;
Les beaux messieurs font comme ca.”
Then she catches hands with them again, and they circle round the table as before, singing,
“Sur le pont d’Avignon,
Tout le monde y danse en rond.
Oh, dear! Stop! I’m dizzy–I shall fall.” She spins into a chair, while the men continue solemnly circling by themselves.