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“Odd rubber-shoes; old gloves of different hues;
Tax–bills,–unpaid,–and several empty purses;
And, saved from harm by some protecting charm,
A printed page with Smith’s immortal verses;

“Trifles that claim no very special name,–
Some useful, others chiefly ornamental;
Pins, buttons, rings, and other trivial things,
With various wrecks, capillary and dental.

“Also, one flag,–‘t was nothing but a rag,
And what device it bore it little matters;
Red, white, and blue, but rent all through and through,
‘Union forever’ torn to shreds and tatters.

“They fought so well not one was left to tell
Which got the largest share of cuts and slashes;
When heroes meet, both sides are bound to beat;
They telescoped like cars in railroad smashes.

“So the great split that baffled human wit
And might have cost the lives of twenty millions,
As all may see that know the rule of three,
Was settled just as well by these civilians.

“As well. Just so. Not worse, not better. No,
Next morning found the Nation still divided;
Since all were slain, the inference is plain
They left the point they fought for undecided.”

If not quite true, as I have told it you,
This tale of mutual extermination,
To minds perplexed with threats of what comes next,
Perhaps may furnish food for contemplation.

To cut men’s throats to help them count their votes
Is asinine–nay, worse–ascidian folly;
Blindness like that would scare the mole and bat,
And make the liveliest monkey melancholy.

I say once more, as I have said before,
If voting for our Tildens and our Hayeses
Means only fight, then, Liberty, good night!
Pack up your ballot-box and go to blazes.

Unfurl your blood-red flags, you murderous hags,
You petroleuses of Paris, fierce and foamy;
We’ll sell our stock in Plymouth’s blasted rock,
Pull up our stakes and migrate to Dahomey!