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Unconscious Comedians (Humorists)
by
Vital bowed.
“Would you kindly tell me why the shops of your trade in Paris remain open late at night,–later than the cafes and the wineshops? That fact puzzles me very much,” said Gazonal.
“In the first place, our shops are much finer when lighted up than they are in the daytime; next, where we sell ten hats in the daytime we sell fifty at night.”
“Everything is queer in Paris,” said Leon.
“Thanks to my efforts and my successes,” said Vital, returning to the course of his self-laudation, “we are coming to hats with round headpieces. It is to that I tend!”
“What obstacle is there?” asked Gazonal.
“Cheapness, monsieur. In the first place, very handsome silk hats can be built for fifteen francs, which kills our business; for in Paris no one ever has fifteen francs in his pocket to spend on a hat. If a beaver hat costs thirty, it is still the same thing– When I say beaver, I ought to state that there are not ten pounds of beaver skins left in France. That article is worth three hundred and fifty francs a pound, and it takes an ounce for a hat. Besides, a beaver hat isn’t really worth anything; the skin takes a wretched dye; gets rusty in ten minutes under the sun, and heat puts it out of shape as well. What we call ‘beaver’ in the trade is neither more nor less than hare’s- skin. The best qualities are made from the back of the animal, the second from the sides, the third from the belly. I confide to you these trade secrets because you are men of honor. But whether a man has hare’s-skin or silk on his head, fifteen or thirty francs in short, the problem is always insoluble. Hats must be paid for in cash, and that is why the hat remains what it is. The honor of vestural France will be saved on the day that gray hats with round crowns can be made to cost a hundred francs. We could then, like the tailors, give credit. To reach that result men must resolve to wear buckles, gold lace, plumes, and the brims lined with satin, as in the days of Louis XIII. and Louis XIV. Our business, which would then enter the domain of fancy, would increase tenfold. The markets of the world should belong to France; Paris will forever give the tone to women’s fashions, and yet the hats which all Frenchmen wear to-day are made in every country on earth! There are ten millions of foreign money to be gained annually for France in that question–“
“A revolution!” cried Bixiou, pretending enthusiasm.
“Yes, and a radical one; for the form must be changed.”
“You are happy after the manner of Luther in dreaming of reform,” said Leon.
“Yes, monsieur. Ah! if a dozen or fifteen artists, capitalists, or dandies who set the tone would only have courage for twenty-four hours France would gain a splendid commercial battle! To succeed in this reform I would give my whole fortune! Yes, my sole ambition is to regenerate the hat and disappear.”
“The man is colossal,” said Gazonal, as they left the shop; “but I assure you that all your originals so far have a touch of the Southerner about them.”
“Let us go this way,” said Bixiou pointing to the rue Saint-Marc.
“Do you want to show me something else?”
“Yes; you shall see the usuress of rats, marcheuses and great ladies, –a woman who possesses more terrible secrets than there are gowns hanging in her window,” said Bixiou.
And he showed Gazonal one of those untidy shops which made an ugly stain in the midst of the dazzling show-windows of modern retail commerce. This shop had a front painted in 1820, which some bankrupt had doubtless left in a dilapidated condition. The color had disappeared beneath a double coating of dirt, the result of usage, and a thick layer of dust; the window-panes were filthy, the door-knob turned of itself, as door-knobs do in all places where people go out more quickly than they enter.