FullReads

“What was it, Ab?” inquired the squire.

“Massy sakes, tell us!” says the gals.

“I sha’n’t dew it, till I tell the hull abeout it,” Ab replied, rather choosing, like Captain Cuttle, to break the gist of his information into small chunks, and so make it the more telling and comparatively interesting.

“When I got the instrument, and paid Marm Smith my board bill, I wer in possession of a cash capital of jest three fo’pences. I took my jack-knife, and unjinted the instrument, cleaned it off, then wrapped the different sections up in a paper, put the hull in my little yaller trunk, and dug eout. When I got clean eout o’ sight and hearin’ of everybody I’d ever hear’n tell on, I stopped r-i-g-h-t in my track. My cash capital wer gone, my mortal remains were holler as a flute, and my old trunk had worn a hole clean through the shoulder o’ my best Sunday coat. I put up, and sez I tew the landlord:

“‘Squire, what sort o’ place is this for a sheow?’

“‘For a sh-e-ow?’ sez he.

“‘Ye-e-e-s,’ sez I.

“‘What a’ yeou got to sh-e-o-w?’ sez he.

“‘The most wonderful instrument ever inwent-‘d,’ sez I.

“‘What’s ‘t fur?’ sez he.

“‘For the wimen,’ sez I.

“‘O! sez he, lookin’ alfired peart and smeart, as tho’ he’d seen a flock o’ l’fants; ‘quack doctor, I s’pose, eh?’

“‘No, I ben’t a quack doctor, nuther,’ sez I, priming up at the insin-i-wa-tion.

“‘Wall, what on airth hev yeou got, any heow ?’ sez he.

“When he ‘poligized in that sort o’ way, in course I up and told him the full perticklers ‘beout a wonderful instrument I had for the ladies and wimen folks. A-n-d heow I wanted to sheow it before some o’ the female sim-i-nar-ries, and give a lectoor on’t.

“‘By bunker!’ sez he, ‘then yeou’ve cum jest teou the spot; three miles up the road is the great Jargon Institoot, ‘spressly for young ladies, wher they teach ’em the ‘rethmetic, French scollopin’, and High-tall-ion curlycues; dancin’, tight-lacin’, hair-dressin’, and so forth, with the use of curlin’ irons, forty pinanners, and parfumeries chuck’d in.’

“‘Yeou deon’t say so?’ sez I.

“‘Yes, I doos,’ sez he; and then yeou had orter seen me make streaks fur the Jargon Institoot.

“I feound the place, knocked on the door, and a feller all starch’d up, lookin’ cruel nice, kem and opened the door. I axed if the marm were in. Then he wanted tew kneow which of ’em I wanted tew see. ‘The head marm of the Institoot,’ sez I. ‘Please to give me yeour keard,’ sez he. ‘You be darn’d,’ sez I; ‘I’d have yeou know, mister,’ sez I, ‘I don’t deal in keards –never did, nuther!’

“The feller show’d a heap o’ ivory, and brought deown the head marm. It weould a’ dun Marm Smith’s ole heart good to seen this dre-e-a-d-ful pius critter. She looked mighty nice, a-n-d she scolloped reound, and beow’d and cut an orful quantity o’ capers, when I ondid my business to her. I went on and told her heow in course o’ travel–

“‘In furrin pearts?’ sez she.

“‘Yes,’ sez I–‘I kim across a great instrument,’ sez I. ‘It was well known to the wimen and ladies o’ the past gin-i-rations,’ sez I.

“‘The an-shants?’ sez she.

“‘Yes, marm,’ sez I. Then she axed me wether it wer a wind instrer-ment or a stringed instrer-ment. A-n-d I told her it wer a stringed instrer-ment, but went on the hurdy-gurdy pren-cipl’, with a crank or treddle. But what I moost dwelt on, as the ox-ion-eer sez, were the great combinations of the instrer-ment, a-n-d I piled it up dre-e-e-adful! I told the marm I wanted to git the thing patented, and put before the people–the wimen and ladies in per-tick’ler–so that every gal in the univarsal world could play upon it–exercise her hands, strengthen her arms and chist, give her form a nater-al de-welop-ment, and so make the hull grist o’ wimen critters useful, as well as or-namental, as my instrer-ment was a useful necessity; for while it lent grace and beauty to the female form, and gin forth fust rate music, it was par-fect-ly scriptooral; it ceould be made to clothe the naked and feed the hon-gry. My il-o-quince had the marm. She ‘greed to buy one of my machines straight fur use of her Institoot –each school-gal to ‘put in’ by next day, when I wer to bring the instrer-ment, get my $40, and deliver a lectoor on it. Next mornin’, bright and early, I wer there; the puss wer made up, and the gals nigh abeout bilin’ over with curiosity to see my wonderful hand-limberer, arm-strengthener, chist-expander, female-beautifier, and univarsal musical machine! When they all got assembled, I ondid the machine; they wer still as death! When I sot it up, they wer breathless with wonderment; when I started it, they gin a gineral screech of delight. Then I sot deown and played ’em old hund’erd, and every gal in the room vowed right eout she’d have one made straight! O-o-o! yeou’d a died to seen the excitement that instrer-ment made in Jargon Institoot. The head marm wanted my ortergraff, and each o’ the gals a lock o’ my hair. But just then, a confeounded ole woolly-headed Virginny nigger wench, cook o’ the Jargon Institoot, kem in, and the moment she clapped her ole eyes on my inwention, she roared reight eout, ‘O! de Lud, ef dar ain’t one de ole Virginny spinnin’ wheels!‘ I kinder had bus’ness somewheres else ‘beout that time! I took with a leaving!”