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The Two Apostles
by
“Now, boys capel,” Towy-Watkins said, “we will have a sermon. Fine will Welsh be in the nostrils of the Big Preacher. Pray will I at once.”
The prayer ended, and one struck his tuning-fork; and while the congregation moaned and lamented, a tall man, who wore the habit of a preacher and whose yellow beard–the fringe of which was singed–hung over his breast like a sheaf of wheat, passed through the way of the door of the Stairway, and as he walked towards the Judgment Hall, some said: “Fair day, Respected,” and some said: “Similar he is to Towy-Watkins.”
“Shut your throats, colts,” Towy rebuked the people. “Say after me: ‘Go round my backhead, Satan.'”
“Go round my backhead, Satan,” the people obeyed.
“Catch him and skin him,” Towy screamed. “Teach him we will to snook about here.”
Fear arming his courage, Satan shouted: “He who hurts me him shall I pitch head-long to the flames.” The people’s hands went to their sides, and Satan departed in peace.
“In my heart is my head,” Towy said. “Near the Oven we are. Blow your noses of the stench. Young youths, herd blockheads Church over here.”
Before the stalwarts started on their errand, the Overseer of the Waiting Chamber came to the door of the lane that takes you into the Judgment Hall, wherefore the Dissenters wept, howled, and whooped.
“Ready am I, God bach,” Towy exclaimed, stretching his hairy arms. “Take me.”
“Patiently I waited for the last Trump and humbly do I now wait for the Crown from your fingers,” said Ben Lloyd. “My deeds are recorded in the archives of the House of Commons and the Cymrodorion Society.”
“Clap up,” Towy admonished Ben. “My religious actions can’t be counted.”
Lowering his eyes the Overseer murmured: “I am not the Lord.”
“For why did you not say that?” cried Towy. He stepped to the Overseer. “Hap you are Apostle Shames. A splendid photo of Shames is in the Beybile with pictures. Fond am I of preaching from him. Lovely pieces there are. ‘Abram believed God.’ Who was Abram? Father of Isaac bach. Who made Abram? The Big Man. And the Big Man made the capel and the respected that is the jewel of the capel. Is not the pulpit the throne? Glad am I to see you, indeed, Shames.”
The Overseer opened his lips.
“Enter with you will I,” said Towy. “Look through my glassy soul you can.”
“Silence–” the Overseer began.
“Iss, silence for ever and ever, amen,” said Towy. “No trial I need. How can the Judge judge if there’s no judging to be? Go up will I then. Hope to see you again, Shames.”
The Overseer tightened his girdle. “Thus saith the Lord,” he proclaimed: “‘I will consider each by his deeds or all by the deeds of their two apostles.'”
“Ho-ho,” said Towy. “Half one moment. Think will we. Dissenters, crowd here. Ben Lloyd, make arguments. Tricky is old Shames.”
The Dissenters assembled close to Ben and Towy, and the Church people crept near them in order to share their counsel; but the Dissenters turned upon their enemies and bruised them with fists and Bibles and hymn-books, and called them frogs, turks, thieves, atheists, blacks; and there never has been heard such a tumult in any house. Alarmed that he could not part one side from the other, the Overseer sought Satan, who had a name for crafty dealings with disputants.
Satan was distressed. “If it was not for personal reasons,” he said, “I would let them go to Hell.” He sent into the Chamber a carpenter who put a barrier from wall to wall, and he appointed Jude in charge of the barrier to guard that no one went under it or over it.
Then the wise men of the Dissenters continued to examine the Lord’s offer; and a thousand men declared they were holy enough to go before God, and from the thousand five hundred were cast out, and from the five hundred three hundred, and from the two hundred one hundred were cast away. Now this hundred were Baptists, Methodists, and Congregationalists, and they quarreled so harshly and decried one another so spitefully that Ben and Towy made with them a compact to speak specially for each of them in the private ear of God. The strife quelled and Towy having cried loudly: “Dissenters and Churchers, glad you are that me and Ben Lloyd, Hem Pee, are your apostles,” he and Ben followed the Overseer.