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The Story of Jubal, Who Had No "I"
by
Henceforth he was always laughing; he laughed at good and evil, sorrow and disgrace, at everything and everybody.
His father and mother knew, from the papers, who Mr. Jubal really was, but they never went to the Opera-house, for they fancied it had something to do with hoops and horses, and they objected to seeing their son in such surroundings.
Mr. Jubal was now the greatest living singer; he had lost a lot of his “I,” but he still had his will.
Then his day came. There was a little ballet-dancer who could bewitch men, and she bewitched Jubal. She bewitched him to such an extent that he asked her whether he might be hers. (He meant, of course, whether she would be his, but the other is a more polite way of expressing it.)
“You shall be mine,” said the sorceress, if I may take you.”
“You may do anything you like,” replied Jubal.
The girl took him at his word and they married. First of all he taught her to sing and play, and then he gave her everything she asked for. But since was a sorceress, she always wanted the things which he most objected to giving to her, and so, gradually, she wrested his will from him and made him her slave.
One fine day Mrs. Jubal had become a great singer, so great that when the audience called “Jubal!” it was not Mr. but Mrs. Jubal who took the call.
Jubal, of course, longed to regain his former position, but he scorned to do it at his wife’s expense.
The world began to forget him.
The brilliant circle of friends who had surrounded Mr. Jubal in his bachelor chambers now surrounded his wife, for it was she who was “Jubal.”
Nobody wanted to talk to him or drink with him, and when he attempted to join in the conversation, nobody listened to his remarks; it was just as if he were not present, and his wife was treated as if she were an unmarried woman.
Then Mr. Jubal grew very lonely, and in his loneliness he began to frequent the cafes.
One evening he was at a restaurant, trying to find somebody to talk to, and ready to talk to anybody willing to listen to him. All at once he caught sight of his old friend the commercial traveller, sitting at a table by himself, evidently very bored. “Thank goodness,” he thought, “here’s somebody to spend an hour with–it’s old Lundberg.”
He went to Mr. Lundberg’s table and said “good evening.” But no sooner had he done so than his friend’s face changed in so extraordinary a manner that Jubal wondered whether he had made a mistake.
“Aren’t you Lundberg?” he asked.
“Yes!”
“Don’t you know me? I’m Jubal!”
“No!”
“Don’t you know your old friend Peal?”
“Peal died a long time ago.”
Then Jubal understood that he was, from a certain point of view, dead, and he went away.
On the following day he left the stage for ever and opened a school for singing, with the title of a professor.
Then he went to foreign countries, and remained abroad for many years.
Sadness, for he mourned for himself as for a dead friend, and sorrow were fast making an old man of him. But he was glad that it should be so, for, he thought, if I’m old, it won’t last much longer. But as he did not age quite as fast as he would have liked, he bought himself a wig with long white curls. He felt better after that, for it disguised him completely, so completely that he did not know himself.
With long strides, his hands crossed on his back, he walked up and down the pavements, lost in a brown study; he seemed to be looking for some one, or expecting some one. If his eyes met the glance of other eyes, he did not respond to the question in them; if anybody tried to make his acquaintance, he would never talk of anything but things and objects. And he never said “I” or “I find,” but always “it seems.” He had lost himself, as he did one day just as he was going to shave. He was sitting before his looking-glass, his chin covered with a lather of soap; he raised the hand which held the razor and looked into the glass; then he beheld the room behind his back, but he could not see his face, and all at once he realised how matters stood. Now he was filled with a passionate yearning to find himself again. He had given the best part of himself to his wife, for she had his will, and so he decided to go and see her.