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The Old-Fashioned Prosecutor
by [?]

“You’ve got me wrong, Steve,” said the Prisoner, softly. “I used to be a Depraved Character, but now I am the Big Hero. Under the revised Code of Morals a Handy Boy who goes out and trims a Boob for everything in his Kick becomes recognized as a Comedy Hit and every Seat on the Lower Floor goes for two Bones. Instead of doing a Lock-Step to and from the Broom Factory, I work up to a Dress Suit Finish and marry the Swell Dame. And the Mob is with me. If it came to a Straw Vote between me and Lyman Abbott, I would win by a City Block.”

“The Gentleman speaks the Truth,” said the Court. “In this Fair Land we forgive a Man anything if his Work has Class. Instead of committing you to the Pen, I shall arrange to spend the Evening with you.”

The next was a tall snaky Female with black Beads all over her Person and she was smoking a Cigarette, half closing her Eyes as she blew Rings toward the Ceiling.

“Judge, she is some Brazen Hussey, believe me,” said the Prosecutor. “After turning Flip-Flops around the Ten Commandments for fifteen years she married a Good Man and put him on the Fritz. Her regular Job is to loll on a Divan and turn the Coaxing Eye on some poor Geezer who is wandering from Drawing Room to Drawing Room, trying to have his Life wrecked. Please send her up. She is a Menace to Respectable Society.”

The Prisoner looked at him in haughty Disdain.

“I am not a Low Woman,” she said, proudly. “I am a Matinee Favorite. The Best People in our City hang their Chins over the Seats in front and cry softly whenever I get into Trouble. Don’t lock me up or they will be lonesome.”

“Go, woman, and keep on Sinning,” said the Court, in a kind Voice.

Then, turning to the Defender of the General Good, he said. “You are two years behind the Procession. Hereafter arrest only Business Men who have been Successful.”

MORAL: Criminality is merely a Side-Issue.