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The Merry-Hearted Buffalmacco
by
“Jesus, unless you stop your Blessed Mother this instant, the roof of my house, which cost a fine penny, will most certainly be burst up. For I see for sure I’m going slap through it. Stop! stop! I can hear the tiles cracking.”
Buffalmacco perceived that by now his master’s voice was actually strangling in his throat, and he ordered his companions to let go the rope. This they did, the result being that the bed, tumbling suddenly from roof to floor of the room, crashed down on the boards, breaking the legs and splitting the panels; simultaneously the bedposts toppled over and the canopy, curtains, hangings and all fell atop of Master Andrea, who, thinking he was going to be smothered, started howling like a devil incarnate. His very soul staggered under the shock, and he could not tell whether he was fallen back again into his chamber or pitched headlong into Hell.
At this point the three apprentices rushed in, as if just awakened by the noise. Seeing the ruins of the bed lying smothered in clouds of dust, they feigned intense surprise, and instead of going to the old man’s help, asked him if it was the Devil had done the mischief. But he only sighed heavily, and said:
“It’s all up with me; pull me out of this. I’m a dying man!”
At last they dragged him from among the débris, under which he was ready to suffocate, and placed him sitting up with his back to the wall. He breathed hard, coughed and spat, and:
“My lads,” he said, “but for the timely succour of Our Lord Jesus Christ, who hurled me back to earth again with a violence you can plainly see the effects of, I should at this present moment be in the circle of Heaven named the crystalline or primum mobile. His holy Mother would not listen to a word. In my fall, I have lost three teeth, which, without being exactly sound, still did me good service. Moreover, I have an agonizing pain in my right side and in the arm that holds the brush.”
“My master,” said Apollonius pityingly, “you must have received some internal hurts, which is a very dangerous thing. At Constantinople, in the risings, I discovered how much more deadly such injuries are than mere external wounds. But never fear, I am going to charm away the mischief with spells.”
“Not for worlds!” put in the old man; “that were a deadly sin. But come hither, all three, and do me the service, an you will, of rubbing me well in the worst places.”
They did as he asked, and never left him till they had pretty well scarified every bit of skin off the old fellow’s back and loins.
The good lads made it their first business to sow the story broadcast through the city. This they did to such good effect that there was not man, woman nor child in Florence could look Master Andrea Tafi in the face without bursting out laughing. Now one morning Buffalmacco was passing down the Corso, Messer Guido, the son of the Signor Cavalcanti, who was on his way to the marshes to shoot crane, stopped his horse, called the apprentice to him, and tossed him his purse with the words:
“Ho! gentle Buffalmacco, here’s somewhat to drink to the health of Epicurus and his disciples.”
You must know Messer Guido was of the sect of the Epicureans and loved to marshal well-arranged arguments against the existence of God. He was used to declare the death of men is precisely the same as that of beasts.
“Buffalmacco,” added the young nobleman, “this purse I have given you is for payment of the very instructive, complete and profitable experiment you made, when you sent old Tafi to Heaven–who, seeing his carcass taking the road to the Empyrean, began to squeal like a pig being killed. This proves plainly he had no real assurance in the promised joys of Paradise–which are, it must be allowed, far from certain. In the same way as nurses tell children fairy-tales, vague things are talked concerning the immortality of mortal men. The vulgar herd thinks it believes these tales, but it does not really and truly. Hard fact comes and shivers the poets’ fables. There is nothing assured but the sad life of this world. Horace, the Roman poet, is of my opinion when he says: Serus in cælum redeas.”[1]