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The Maneuvers Of Joel And The Disappointed Orphan Asylum
by
Next day the Lawyer came for him in a double-seated Carriage and said, “They forgot to put on a Revenue Stamp and so the Transfer is off.”
“And do I get all of my Property back again?” asked the Old Residenter.
“You get half and I get half,” was the Reply of the Lawyer.
“Give me mine,” said the Old Residenter. “I’m from Wisconsin and I want it in the Hand. Whatever I own from this time on, I carry right in my Clothes, and any Relative who separates me from it will have to set his Request to Music.” Then he went to a Physician.
“Doc,” he says, “they are counting nine on me, but I figure that before I cash in, I have time to spend all that I have. Look me over and tell me how long I would last on a Waldorf diet. I want to gauge my Expenses so as to leave nothing behind for Joel except a Ha-Ha Message and a few Heirlooms.”
“If you want to euchre your Family, why don’t you leave it to an Orphan Asylum?” suggested the Lawyer.
“Nix the Orphan Asylum,” said the Old Residenter. “They would bring a million witnesses to prove that I had been out of my Head for 20 years, and I wouldn’t be there to contradict them. I learn that by a singular Coincidence, all the Old People who leave their Money to Hospitals and the like are Mentally Irresponsible. In order to prove that I am in my right Senses, I will Blow mine.”
So he went to Palm Beach and other Winter Resorts, at which they charge by the Minute, and wherever he went he gave a faithful Imitation of the Cowboy’s first Night in Town.
He bought himself a hot Raglan with a Surcingle around it, and a very doggy line of Cravats, and when he went into the Dining-Room he picked out a Table which commanded a View of the Door at which the Girls came in.
All this time Joel was worried. It seemed a Sin and a Shame for an Old Man to go around spending his own Money.
The Residenter had so much Fun during his Second Time on Earth that he decided to make it a sure-enough Renaissance, so he married a Type-Writer 19 years old, that he met in a Hotel Lobby, and then Joel did go up in the Air.
When she began to pick out Snake Rings, and Diamond Wish-Bones, the Old Gentleman saw that there was no longer any Hope for Joel.
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MORAL: When buncoing a Relative always be sure that the Knock-Out Drops are Regulation Strength.