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PAGE 4

The Madness of Mr. Lister
by [?]

“I don’t mean to say anything,” said the cook. “Answer my question. You ain’t felt no pain lately, ‘ave you?”

“Have–you–been–putting–p’ison–in–my–wittles?” demanded Mr. Lister, in trembling accents.

“If I ‘ad, Jem, supposin’ that I ‘ad,” said the cook, in accents of reproachful surprise, “do you mean to say that you’d mind?”

“MIND,” said Mr. Lister, with fervour. “I’d ‘ave you ‘ung!”

“But you said you wanted to die,” said the surprised cook.

Mr. Lister swore at him with startling vigour. “I’ll ‘ave you ‘ung,” he repeated, wildly.

“Me,” said the cook, artlessly. “What for?”

“For giving me p’ison,” said Mr. Lister, frantically. “Do you think you can deceive me by your roundabouts? Do you think I can’t see through you?”

The other with a sphinx-like smile sat unmoved. “Prove it,” he said, darkly. “But supposin’ if anybody ‘ad been givin’ you p’ison, would you like to take something to prevent its acting?”

“I’d take gallons of it,” said Mr. Lister, feverishly.

The other sat pondering, while the old man watched him anxiously. “It’s a pity you don’t know your own mind, Jem,” he said, at length; “still, you know your own business best. But it’s very expensive stuff.”

“How much?” inquired the other.

“Well, they won’t sell more than two shillings-worth at a time,” said the cook, trying to speak carelessly, “but if you like to let me ‘ave the money, I’ll go ashore to the chemist’s and get the first lot now.”

Mr. Lister’s face was a study in emotions, which the other tried in vain to decipher.

Then he slowly extracted the amount from his trousers-pocket, and handed it over with-out a word.

“I’ll go at once,” said the cook, with a little feeling, “and I’ll never take a man at his word again, Jem.”

He ran blithely up on deck, and stepping ashore, spat on the coins for luck and dropped them in his pocket. Down below, Mr. Lister, with his chin in his hand, sat in a state of mind pretty evenly divided between rage and fear.

The cook, who was in no mood for company, missed the rest of the crew by two public-houses, and having purchased a baby’s teething powder and removed the label, had a congratulatory drink or two before going on board again. A chatter of voices from the forecastle warned him that the crew had returned, but the tongues ceased abruptly as he descended, and three pairs of eyes surveyed him in grim silence.

“What’s up?” he demanded.

“Wot ‘ave you been doin’ to poor old Jem?” demanded Henshaw, sternly.

“Nothin’,” said the other, shortly.

“You ain’t been p’isoning ‘im?” demanded Henshaw.

“Certainly not,” said the cook, emphatically.

“He ses you told ‘im you p’isoned ‘im,” said Henshaw, solemnly, “and ‘e give you two shillings to get something to cure ‘im. It’s too late now.”

“What?” stammered the bewildered cook. He looked round anxiously at the men.

They were all very grave, and the silence became oppressive. “Where is he?” he demanded.

Henshaw and the others exchanged glances. “He’s gone mad,” said he, slowly.

“Mad?” repeated the horrified cook, and, seeing the aversion of the crew, in a broken voice he narrated the way in which he had been victimized.

“Well, you’ve done it now,” said Henshaw, when he had finished. “He’s gone right orf ‘is ‘ed.”

“Where is he?” inquired the cook.

“Where you can’t follow him,” said the other, slowly.

“Heaven?” hazarded the unfortunate cook. “No; skipper’s bunk,” said Lea.

“Oh, can’t I foller ‘im?” said the cook, starting up. “I’ll soon ‘ave ‘im out o’ that.”

“Better leave ‘im alone,” said Henshaw. “He was that wild we couldn’t do nothing with ‘im, singing an’ larfin’ and crying all together–I certainly thought he was p’isoned.”

“I’ll swear I ain’t touched him,” said the cook.

“Well, you’ve upset his reason,” said Henshaw; “there’ll be an awful row when the skipper comes aboard and finds ‘im in ‘is bed.

“‘Well, come an’ ‘elp me to get ‘im out,” said the cook.

“I ain’t going to be mixed up in it,” said Henshaw, shaking his head.

“Don’t you, Bill,” said the other two.