FullReads

ON RED HAIR

Onc’t a pore boy wuz red-hedded, an’ got mad at the other boys when they’d throw it up to him. An’ when they’d laugh at his red hed, an’ ast him fer a light, er wuzn’t he afeard he’d singe his cap, an’ orto’ wear a tin hat, er pertend to warm their hands by him,–w’y, sometimes the red-hedded boy’d git purty hot indeed; an’ onc’t he told another boy that wuz a-bafflin’ him about his red hair that ef he wuz him he’d git a fine comb an’ go to canvassin’ his own hed, and then he’d be liabul to sceer up a more livelier subjeck to talk about than red hair. An’ then the other boy says, “You’re a liar” an’ that got the red-hedded boy into more trouble; fer the old man whipped him shameful’ fer breakin’ up soil with the other boy. An’ this here red-hedded boy had freckles, too. An’ warts. An’ nobody ortn’t to ‘a’ jumpt on to him fer that. Ef anybody wuz a red-hedded boy they’d have also warts an’ freckles–an’ thist red-hair’s bad enough. Onc’t another boy told him ef he wuz him he bet he could make a big day look sick some night. An’ when the red-hedded boy says “How?” w’y, the other boy he says “Easy enough. I’d thist march around bare-hedded in the torch-light p’cession.”–“Yes, you would,” says the red-hedded boy, an’ pasted him one with a shinny club, an’ got dispelled from school ’cause he wuz so high-tempered an’ impulsiv. Ef I wuz the red-hedded boy I’d be a pirut; but he allus said he wuz goin’ to be a baker.

THE CROSS-EYED GIRL

“You don’t want to never tamper with a cross-eyed girl,” said Mr. Judkins, “and I’ll tell you w’y: They’ve natur’lly got a better focus on things than a man would ever guess–studyin’ their eyes, you understand. A man may think he’s a-foolin’ a cross-eyed girl simply because she’s apparently got her eyes tangled on other topics as he’s a-talkin’ to her, but at the same time that girl may be a-lookin’ down the windin’ stairway of the cellar of his soul with one eye, and a-winkin’ in a whisper to her own soul with the other, and her unconscious victim jes’ a-takin’ it fer granted that nothin’ is the matter with the girl, only jes’ cross-eyes! You see I’ve studied ’em,” continued Judkins, “and I’m on to one fact dead sure–and that is, their natures is as deceivin’ as their eyes is! Knowed one onc’t that had her eyes mixed up thataway–sensitive little thing she was, and always referrin’ to her ‘misfortune,’ as she called it, and eternally threatenin’ to have some surgeon straighten ’em out like other folks’–and, sir, that girl so worked on my feelin’s, and took such underholts on my sympathies that, blame me, before I knowed it I confessed to her that ef it hadn’t ‘a’ been fer her defective eyes (I made it ‘defective’) I never would have thought of lovin’ her, and, furthermore ef ever she did have ’em changed back normal, don’t you understand, she might consider our engagement at an end–I did, honest. And that girl was so absolute cross-eyed it warped her ears, and she used to amuse herself by watchin’ ’em curl up as I’d be a-talkin’ to her, and that maddened me, ’cause I’m natur’lly of a jealous disposition, you know, and so, at last, I jes’ casually hinted that ef she was really a-goin’ to git them eyes carpentered up, w’y she’d better git at it: and that ended it.

“And then the blame’ girl turned right around and married a fellow that had a better pair of eyes than mine this minute! Then I struck another cross-eyed girl–not really a legitimate case, ’cause, in reality, she only had one off eye–the right eye, ef I don’t disremember–the other one was as square as a gouge. And that girl was, ef any difference, a more confusin’ case than the other, and besides all that, she had some money in her own right, and warn’t a-throwin’ off no big discount on one game eye. But I finally got her interested, and I reckon something serious might ‘a’ come of it–but, you see, her father was dead, and her stepmother sort o’ shet down on my comin’ to the house; besides that, she had three grown uncles, and you know how uncles is. I didn’t want to marry no family, of course, and so I slid out of the scheme, and tackled a poor girl that clerked in a post-office. Her eyes was bad! I never did git the hang of them eyes of hern. She had purty hair, and a complexion, I used to tell her, which outrivalled the rose. But them eyes, you know! I didn’t really appreciate how bad they was crossed, at first. You see, it took time. Got her to give me her picture, and I used to cipher on that, but finally worked her off on a young friend of mine who wanted to marry intellect–give her a good send-off to him–and she was smart–only them eyes, you know! Why, that girl could read a postal card, both sides at once, and smile at a personal friend through the office window at the same time!”