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ON HACKMENS

Hackmens has the softest thing in the bizness. They hain’t got nothin’ to do but look hump-shouldered an’ chaw tobacker an’ wait. Hackmens all looks like detectives, an’ keeps still, an’ never even spits when you walk past ’em. An’ they’re allus cold. A hackman that stands high in the p’fession kin wear a overcoat in dog-days an’ then look chilly an’ like his folks wuz all dead but the old man, an’ he wuz a drunkard. Ef a hackman would on’y be a blind fiddler he’d take in more money than a fair-ground. Hackmens never gives nothin’ away. You kin trust a hackman when you can’t trust your own mother. Some people thinks when they hire a hack to take ’em some place that the hackman has got some grudge ag’in’ ’em–but he hain’t–he’s allus that way. He loves you but he knows his place, and smothers his real feelings. In life’s giddy scenes hackmens all wears a mask; but down deep in their heart you kin bet they are yourn till deth. Some hackmens look like they wuz stuck up, but they hain’t–it’s only ’cause they got on so much clothes. Onc’t a hackman wuz stabbed by a friend of his in the same bizness, an’ when the doctors wuz seein’ how bad he wuz karved up, they found he had on five shurts. They said that wuz all that saved his life. They said ef he’d on’y had on four shurts, he’d ‘a’ been a ded man. An’ the hackman hissef, when he got well, used to brag it wuz the closetest call he ever had, an’ laid fer the other hackman, an’ hit him with a car couplin’ an’ killed him, an’ come mighty nigh goin’ to the penitenchary fer it. Influenshal friends wuz all that saved him that time. No five shurts would ‘a’ done it. The mayor said that when he let him off, an’ brought down the house, an’ made hissef a strong man fer another term. Some mayors is purty slick, but a humble hackman may sometimes turn out to be thist as smooth. The on’y thing w’y a hackman don’t show up no better is ’cause he loses so much sleep. That’s why he allus looks like he had the headache, an’ didn’t care ef he did. Onc’t a hackman wuz waitin’ in front of a hotel one morning an’ wuz sort o’ dozin’ like, an’ fell off his seat. An’ they run an’ picked him up, an’ he wuz unconshus, an’ they worked with him till ‘way long in the afternoon ‘fore they found out he wuz thist asleep; an’ he cussed fearful cause they waked him up, an’ wondered why people couldn’t never tend to their own bizness like he did.

ON DUDES

Ever’body is allus a-givin’ it to Dudes. Newspapers makes fun of ’em, an’ artists makes pictures of ’em; an’ the on’y ones in the wide world that stuck on Dudes is me an’ the Dudes theirse’f, an’ we love an’ cherish ’em with all a parent’s fond regards. An’ nobody knows much about Dudes neither, ’cause they hain’t been broke out long enough yit to tell thist what the disease is. Some say it’s softinning of the brains, an’ others claim it can’t be that, on the groun’s they hain’t got material fer the softinning to work on, etc., etc., till even “Sientests is puzzled,” as the good book says. An’ ef I wuz a-goin’ to say what ails Dudes I’d have to give it up, er pernounce it a’ aggervated case of Tyfoid blues, which is my ‘onnest convictions. That’s what makes me kind o’ stand in with ’em–same as ef they wuz the under-dog. I am willing to aknolege that Dudes has their weakness, but so has ever’thing. Even Oscar Wild, ef putt to the test; an’ I allus feel sorry fer George Washington ’cause he died ‘fore he got to see Oscar Wild. An’ then another reason w’y you oughten’t to jump on to Dudes is, they don’t know what’s the matter with ’em any more than us folks in whom they come in daily contack. Dudes all walks an’ looks in the face like they wuz on their way to fill an engagement with a revolvin’ lady wax-figger in some milliner-winder, an’ had fergot the number of her place of bizness. Some folks is mean enough to bitterly a’sert that Dudes is strained in their manner an’ fools from choice; but they ain’t. It’s a gift–Dudes is Geenuses–that’s what Dudes is!