FullReads

“Oh, I tell you a fellow’s a fool,” mused the Traveling Salesman judicially, “a fellow’s a fool when he marries who don’t go to work deliberately to study and understand his wife. Women are awfully understandable if you only go at it right. Why, the only thing that riles them in the whole wide world is the fear that the man they’ve married ain’t quite bright. Why, when I was first married I used to think that my wife was awful snippety about other women. But, Lord! when you point a girl out in the car and say, ‘Well, ain’t that girl got the most gorgeous head of hair you ever saw in your life?’ and your wife says: ‘Yes–Jordan is selling them puffs six for a dollar seventy-five this winter,’ she ain’t intending to be snippety at all. No!–It’s only, I tell you, that it makes a woman feel just plain silly to think that her husband don’t even know as much as she does. Why, Lord! she don’t care how much you praise the grocer’s daughter’s style, or your stenographer’s spelling, as long as you’ll only show that you’re equally wise to the fact that the grocer’s daughter sure has a nasty temper, and that the stenographer’s spelling is mighty near the best thing about her.

“Why, a man will go out and pay every cent he’s got for a good hunting dog–and then snub his wife for being the finest untrained retriever in the world. Yes, sir, that’s what she is–a retriever; faithful, clever, absolutely unscarable, with no other object in life except to track down and fetch to her husband every possible interesting fact in the world that he don’t already know. And then she’s so excited and pleased with what she’s got in her mouth that it ‘most breaks her heart if her man don’t seem to care about it. Now, the secret of training her lies in the fact that she won’t never trouble to hunt out and fetch you any news that she sees you already know. And just as soon as a man once appreciates all this–then Joy is come to the Home!

“Now there’s Ella, for instance,” continued the Traveling Salesman thoughtfully. “Ella’s a traveling man, too. Sells shotguns up through the Aroostook. Yes, shotguns! Funny, ain’t it, and me selling undervests? Ella’s an awful smart girl. Good as gold. But cheeky? Oh, my!–Well, once I would have brought her down to the house for Sunday, and advertised her as a ‘peach,’ and a ‘dandy good fellow,’ and praised her eyes, and bragged about her cleverness, and generally done my best to smooth over all her little deficiencies with as much palaver as I could. And that little retriever of mine would have gone straight to work and ferreted out every single, solitary, uncomplimentary thing about Ella that she could find, and ‘a’ fetched ’em to me as pleased and proud as a puppy, expecting, for all the world, to be petted and patted for her astonishing shrewdness. And there would sure have been gloom in the Sabbath.

“But now–now–what I say now is: ‘Wife, I’m going to bring Ella down for Sunday. You’ve never seen her, and you sure will hate her. She’s big, and showy, and just a little bit rough sometimes, and she rouges her cheeks too much, and she’s likelier than not to chuck me under the chin. But it would help your old man a lot in a business way if you’d be pretty nice to her. And I’m going to send her down here Friday, a day ahead of me.’–And oh, gee!–I ain’t any more than jumped off the car Saturday night when there’s my little wife out on the street corner with her sweater tied over her head, prancing up and down first on one foot and then on the other–she’s so excited, to slip her hand in mine and tell me all about it. ‘And Johnny,’ she says–even before I’ve got my glove off–‘Johnny,’ she says, ‘really, do you know, I think you’ve done Ella an injustice. Yes, truly I do. Why, she’s just as kind! And she’s shown me how to cut my last year’s coat over into the nicest sort of a little spring jacket! And she’s made us a chocolate cake as big as a dish-pan. Yes, she has! And Johnny, don’t you dare tell her that I told you–but do you know she’s putting her brother’s boy through Dartmouth? And you old Johnny Clifford, I don’t care a darn whether she rouges a little bit or not–and you oughtn’t to care–either! So there!'”