FullReads

“Well, this Sweethearts’ business wint on like most amshure theatricals, an’ barrin’ fwhat I suspicioned, ’twasn’t till the dhress-rehearsal that I saw for certain that thim two–he the blackguard, an’ she no wiser than she should ha’ been–had put up an evasion.”

“A what?” said I.

“E-vasion! Fwhat you call an elopemint. E-vasion I calls it, bekaze, exceptin’ whin ’tis right an’ natural an’ proper, ’tis wrong an’ dhirty to steal a man’s wan child, she not knowin’ her own mind. There was a Sargint in the Comm’ssariat who set my face upon e-vasions. I’ll tell you about that”–

“Stick to the bloomin’ Captains, Mulvaney,” said Ortheris; “Comm’ssariat Sargints is low.”

Mulvaney accepted the amendment and went on:–

“Now I knew that the Colonel was no fool, any more than me, for I was hild the smartest man in the rig’mint, an’ the Colonel was the best orf’cer commandin’ in Asia; so fwhat he said an’ I said was a mortial truth. We knew that the Capt’n was bad, but, for reasons which I have already oblitherated, I knew more than me Colonel. I wud ha’ rolled out his face wid the butt av my gun before permittin’ av him to steal the gurl. Saints knew av he wud ha’ married her, and av he didn’t she wud be in great tormint, an’ the divil av a ‘scandal.’ But I niver sthruck, niver raised me hand on my shuperior orf’cer; an’ that was a merricle now I come to considher it.”

“Mulvaney, the dawn’s risin’,” said Ortheris, “an’ we’re no nearer ‘ome than we was at the beginnin’. Lend me your pouch. Mine’s all dust.”

Mulvaney pitched his pouch over, and filled his pipe afresh.

“So the dhress-rehearsal came to an end, an’, bekaze I was curious, I stayed behind whin the scene-shiftin’ was ended, an’ I shud ha’ been in barricks, lyin’ as flat as a toad under a painted cottage thing. They was talkin’ in whispers, an’ she was shiverin’ an’ gaspin’ like a fresh-hukked fish. ‘Are you sure you’ve got the hang av the manewvers?’ sez he, or wurrds to that effec’, as the coort-martial sez. ‘Sure as death,’ sez she, ‘but I misdoubt ’tis cruel hard on my father.’ ‘Damn your father,’ sez he, or anyways ’twas fwhat he thought, ‘the arrangement is as clear as mud. Jungi will drive the carri’ge afther all’s over, an’ you come to the station, cool an’ aisy, in time for the two o’clock thrain, where I’ll be wid your kit.’ ‘Faith,’ thinks I to myself, ‘thin there’s a ayah in the business tu!’

“A powerful bad thing is a ayah. Don’t you niver have any thruck wid wan. Thin he began sootherin’ her, an’ all the orfcers an’ orfcers’ ladies left, an’ they put out the lights. To explain the theory av the flight, as they say at Muskthry, you must understand that afther this Sweethearts’ nonsinse was ended, there was another little bit av a play called Couples–some kind av couple or another. The gurl was actin’ in this, but not the man. I suspicioned he’d go to the station wid the gurl’s kit at the end av the first piece. Twas the kit that flusthered me, for I knew for a Capt’n to go trapesing about the impire wid the Lord knew what av a truso on his arrum was nefarious, an’ wud be worse than easin’ the flag, so far as the talk aftherward wint.”

‘”Old on, Mulvaney. Wot’s truso?” said Ortheris.

“You’re an oncivilized man, me son. Whin a gurl’s married, all her kit an’ ‘coutrements are truso, which manes weddin’-portion. An’ ’tis the same whin she’s runnin’ away, even wid the biggest blackguard on the Arrmy List.

“So I made my plan av campaign. The Colonel’s house was a good two miles away. ‘Dennis,’ sez I to my color-sargint, ‘av you love me lend me your kyart, for me heart is bruk an’ me feet is sore wid trampin’ to and from this foolishness at the Gaff.’ An’ Dennis lent ut, wid a rampin’, stampin’ red stallion in the shafts. Whin they was all settled down to their Sweethearts for the first scene, which was a long wan, I slips outside and into the kyart. Mother av Hivin! but I made that horse walk, an’ we came into the Colonel’s compound as the divil wint through Athlone–in standin’ leps. There was no one there excipt the sarvints, an’ I wint round to the back an’ found the girl’s ayah.