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The Fatal Boots
by
“Dis is my man. I beg your lortship’s pardon,” says he, “I have brought your lortship’s shoes, vich you left. See, dey have been in dis parcel ever since you vent avay in my boots.”
“Shoes, fellow!” says I. “I never saw your face before!” For I knew there was nothing for it but brazening it out. “Upon the honor of a gentleman!” said I, turning round to the boys. They hesitated; and if the trick had turned in my favor, fifty of them would have seized hold of Stiffelkind and drubbed him soundly.
“Stop!” says Bunting (hang him!) “Let’s see the shoes. If they fit him, why then the cobbler’s right.” They did fit me; and not only that, but the name of STUBBS was written in them at full length.
“Vat!” said Stiffelkind. “Is he not a lort? So help me Himmel, I never did vonce tink of looking at de shoes, which have been lying ever since in dis piece of brown paper.” And then, gathering anger as he went on, he thundered out so much of his abuse of me, in his German-English, that the boys roared with laughter. Swishtail came in in the midst of the disturbance, and asked what the noise meant.
“It’s only Lord Cornwallis, sir,” said the boys, “battling with his shoemaker about the price of a pair of top-boots.”
“Oh, sir,” said I, “it was only in fun that I called myself Lord Cornwallis.”
“In fun!–Where are the boots? And you, sir, give me your bill.” My beautiful boots were brought; and Stiffelkind produced his bill. “Lord Cornwallis to Samuel Stiffelkind, for a pair of boots–four guineas.”
“You have been fool enough, sir,” says the Doctor, looking very stern, “to let this boy impose on you as a lord; and knave enough to charge him double the value of the article you sold him. Take back the boots, sir! I won’t pay a penny of your bill; nor can you get a penny. As for you, sir, you miserable swindler and cheat, I shall not flog you as I did before, but I shall send you home: you are not fit to be the companion of honest boys.”
“SUPPOSE WE DUCK HIM before he goes?” piped out a very small voice. The Doctor grinned significantly, and left the school-room; and the boys knew by this they might have their will. They seized me and carried me to the playground pump: they pumped upon me until I was half dead; and the monster, Stiffelkind, stood looking on for the half-hour the operation lasted.
I suppose the Doctor, at last, thought I had had pumping enough, for he rang the school-bell, and the boys were obliged to leave me. As I got out of the trough, Stiffelkind was alone with me. “Vell, my lort,” says he, “you have paid SOMETHING for dese boots, but not all. By Jubider, YOU SHALL NEVER HEAR DE END OF DEM.” And I didn’t.
APRIL.–FOOLING.
After this, as you may fancy, I left this disgusting establishment, and lived for some time along with pa and mamma at home. My education was finished, at least mamma and I agreed that it was; and from boyhood until hobbadyhoyhood (which I take to be about the sixteenth year of the life of a young man, and may be likened to the month of April when spring begins to bloom)–from fourteen until seventeen, I say, I remained at home, doing nothing–for which I have ever since had a great taste–the idol of my mamma, who took part in all my quarrels with father, and used regularly to rob the weekly expenses in order to find me in pocket-money. Poor soul! many and many is the guinea I have had from her in that way; and so she enabled me to cut a very pretty figure.
Papa was for having me at this time articled to a merchant, or put to some profession; but mamma and I agreed that I was born to be a gentleman and not a tradesman, and the army was the only place for me. Everybody was a soldier in those times, for the French war had just begun, and the whole country was swarming with militia regiments. “We’ll get him a commission in a marching regiment,” said my father. “As we have no money to purchase him up, he’ll FIGHT his way, I make no doubt.” And papa looked at me with a kind of air of contempt, as much as to say he doubted whether I should be very eager for such a dangerous way of bettering myself.