PAGE 15
The Fatal Boots
by
But “faint heart never won fair lady;” and so I went on, and on, until I had got a Miss Clopper, a tolerable rich navy-contractor’s daughter, into such a way, that I really don’t think she could have refused me. Her brother, Captain Clopper, was in a line regiment, and helped me as much as ever he could: he swore I was such a brave fellow.
As I had received a number of attentions from Clopper, I determined to invite him to dinner; which I could do without any sacrifice of my principle upon this point: for the fact is, Dobble lived at an inn, and as he sent all his bills to his father, I made no scruple to use his table. We dined in the coffee-room, Dobble bringing HIS friend; and so we made a party CARRY, as the French say. Some naval officers were occupied in a similar way at a table next to ours.
Well–I didn’t spare the bottle, either for myself or for my friends; and we grew very talkative, and very affectionate as the drinking went on. Each man told stories of his gallantry in the field, or amongst the ladies, as officers will, after dinner. Clopper confided to the company his wish that I should marry his sister, and vowed that he thought me the best fellow in Christendom.
Ensign Dobble assented to this. “But let Miss Clopper beware,” says he, “for Stubbs is a sad fellow: he has had I don’t know how many liaisons already; and he has been engaged to I don’t know how many women.”
“Indeed!” says Clopper. “Come, Stubbs, tell us your adventures.”
“Psha!” said I, modestly, “there is nothing, indeed, to tell. I have been in love, my dear boy–who has not?–and I have been jilted–who has not?”
Clopper swore he would blow his sister’s brains out if ever SHE served me so.
“Tell him about Miss Crutty,” said Dobble. “He! he! Stubbs served THAT woman out, anyhow; she didn’t jilt HIM. I’ll be sworn.”
“Really, Dobble, you are too bad, and should not mention names. The fact is, the girl was desperately in love with me, and had money–sixty thousand pounds, upon my reputation. Well, everything was arranged, when who should come down from London but a relation.”
“Well, and did he prevent the match?”
“Prevent it–yes, sir, I believe you he did; though not in the sense that YOU mean. He would have given his eyes–ay, and ten thousand pounds more–if I would have accepted the girl, but I would not.”
“Why, in the name of goodness?”
“Sir, her uncle was a SHOEMAKER. I never would debase myself by marrying into such a family.”
“Of course not,” said Dobble; “he couldn’t, you know. Well, now–tell him about the other girl, Mary Waters, you know.”
“Hush, Dobble, hush! don’t you see one of those naval officers has turned round and heard you? My dear Clopper, it was a mere childish bagatelle.”
“Well, but let’s have it,” said Clopper–“let’s have it. I won’t tell my sister, you know.” And he put his hand to his nose and looked monstrous wise.
“Nothing of that sort, Clopper–no, no–‘pon honor–little Bob Stubbs is no LIBERTINE; and the story is very simple. You see that my father has a small place, merely a few hundred acres, at Sloffemsquiggle. Isn’t it a funny name? Hang it, there’s the naval gentleman staring again,”–(I looked terribly fierce as I returned this officer’s stare, and continued in a loud careless voice). Well, at this Sloffemsquiggle there lived a girl, a Miss Waters, the niece of some blackguard apothecary in the neighborhood; but my mother took a fancy to the girl, and had her up to the park and petted her. We were both young–and–and–the girl fell in love with me, that’s the fact. I was obliged to repel some rather warm advances that she made me; and here, upon my honor as a gentleman, you have all the story about which that silly Dobble makes such a noise.