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The Experimental Couple And The Three Off-Shoots
by
“We made a mistake in leaving him so long in the Tall Grass,” said Mr. Tibbetts. “But now that we have tried the two Extremes, we know just what to do with Art. We shall send him to a small Town, where he may associate with bright Youth of his own age and yet be away from the distracting and corrupting Influences of the Big City.”
Accordingly Art was farmed out to a Cousin residing in a drowsy Corporation of about 1,500 Souls, figuratively speaking. He went to the Grammar School and what he didn’t learn at School he learned in Back Alleys and Box Cars. However, his Parents were happy in the Knowledge that he was beyond the influence of the gaudy Play House, the gilded Buffet and the seductive Dancing Academy. He was out where nothing happened unless the Boys started it themselves. So they started it.
When he was twenty he was sent to the City, an extra fine Specimen of what the Small Town can produce. He had his Hair combed down into his Eyes. He wore a punky little Derby, about two sizes too small. The turn-down Collar was four inches high, and he wore a navy-blue Cravat with a copper Butterfly for a Scarf-Pin. Furthermore, he had a Suit of Clothes that was intended for a gentle Brakeman. On his Lapel he had a Button Photograph of the Girl who worked in the Millinery Store.
“Are you made up for a Masquerade or is this the regular Costume?” asked his Father.
“‘Go ‘Way Back and Set Down,'” replied Art, for he knew his Village Repartee and was on to all of last year’s Gags.
“What do you propose to do for yourself?” asked Mr. Tibbetts.
“I want to travel with a Circus or Minstrel Troupe and I don’t much care which,” replied Art.
As the Boy appeared to be somewhat Lumpy about the Pockets, his Father threw him down and searched him, finding on his Person, a $2 Revolver, a Package of Cigaroots, a 1-lb. Plug of Tobacco, a Deck of Playing Cards, a Copy of “Old Sleuth” and a Pair of Brass Knucks.
“I have underrated the Educational Facilities of the Jay Town,” said Mr. Tibbetts. “Link is door-keeper in a Dime Museum and Chub is putting in Coal for an old and well-known Firm, but I can see that you are going to outshine your Brothers. You are going to develop into a first-class Burglar.”
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MORAL: Keep him in a Barrel.