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PAGE 24

The Diary Of A Superfluous Man
by [?]

She broke off … Bizmyonkov began with fatherly tenderness stroking her hand.

‘There’s no help for it! What is one to do! what is one to do, Lizaveta Kirillovna!’ he repeated several times.

‘And now indeed,’ she went on in a lifeless voice, ‘I should die, I think, if it were not for you. It’s you alone that keep me up; besides, you remind me of him…. You knew all about it, you see. Do you remember how fine he was that day…. But forgive me; it must be hard for you….’

‘Go on, go on! Nonsense! Bless you!’ Bizmyonkov interrupted her.

She pressed his hand.

‘You are very good, Bizmyonkov,’ she went on;’ you are good as an angel. What can I do! I feel I shall love him to the grave. I have forgiven him, I am grateful to him. God give him happiness! May God give him a wife after his own heart’–and her eyes filled with tears–‘if only he does not forget me, if only he will sometimes think of his Liza!–Let us go,’ she added, after a brief silence.

Bizmyonkov raised her hand to his lips.

‘I know,’ she began again hotly, ‘every one is blaming me now, every one is throwing stones at me. Let them! I wouldn’t, any way, change my misery for their happiness … no! no!… He did not love me for long, but he loved me! He never deceived me, he never told me I should be his wife; I never dreamed of it myself. It was only poor papa hoped for it. And even now I am not altogether unhappy; the memory remains to me, and however fearful the results … I’m stifling here … it was here I saw him the last time…. Let’s go into the air.’

They got up. I had only just time to skip on one side and hide behind a thick lime-tree. They came out of the summer-house, and, as far as I could judge by the sound of their steps, went away into the thicket. I don’t know how long I went on standing there, without stirring from my place, plunged in a sort of senseless amazement, when suddenly I heard steps again. I started, and peeped cautiously out from my hiding-place. Bizmyonkov and Liza were coming back along the same path. Both were greatly agitated, especially Bizmyonkov.

I fancied he was crying. Liza stopped, looked at him, and distinctly uttered the following words: ‘I do consent, Bizmyonkov. I would never have agreed if you were only trying to save me, to rescue me from a terrible position, but you love me, you know everything–and you love me. I shall never find a trustier, truer friend. I will be your wife.’

Bizmyonkov kissed her hand: she smiled at him mournfully and moved away towards the house. Bizmyonkov rushed into the thicket, and I went my way. Seeing that Bizmyonkov had apparently said to Liza precisely what I had intended to say to her, and she had given him precisely the reply I was longing to hear from her, there was no need for me to trouble myself further. Within a fortnight she was married to him. The old Ozhogins were thankful to get any husband for her.

Now, tell me, am I not a superfluous man? Didn’t I play throughout the whole story the part of a superfluous person? The prince’s part … of that it’s needless to speak; Bizmyonkov’s part, too, is comprehensible…. But I–with what object was I mixed up in it?… A senseless fifth wheel to the cart!… Ah, it’s bitter, bitter for me!… But there, as the barge-haulers say, ‘One more pull, and one more yet,’–one day more, and one more yet, and there will be no more bitter nor sweet for me.

March 31.

I’m in a bad way. I am writing these lines in bed. Since yesterday evening there has been a sudden change in the weather. To-day is hot, almost a summer day. Everything is thawing, breaking up, flowing away. The air is full of the smell of the opened earth, a strong, heavy, stifling smell. Steam is rising on all sides. The sun seems beating, seems smiting everything to pieces. I am very ill, I feel that I am breaking up.