PAGE 2
The Bigger Fool, The Better Luck
by
“A-booh! oo- oo! ” by one of the lodgers, overhead.
“Boo-oo- ooh! Old Tantabolus’s got that–booh-oo-oo- oo,–pipe of his’n again,–boo-oo-oo!” chimed another.
“A-a-a- chee! oo-oo-augh-h-h- ch-chee! Cuss that–a- chee –pipe. Tantabolus, you old hoss-marine, put out that–a- chee! –darn’d old pipe!” bawled another.
“A’ nand ?” was the old fellow’s usual reply.
“A-boo-ooh- ooh! ” hoarse and loud as a boatswain’s call, in a gale of wind, would be issued from the throat of an old “logger,” as the fumigacious odor interfered with his respiratory arrangements, and then would follow a miscellaneous–
“A- chee -o! Ah- chee! boo-ooh-oo- ooh! ” tapering off with divers curses and threats, upon Old Tantabolus and his villanous habits of arousing “the whole community” in “the dead watches and middle of the night,” with heat and smoke, no flesh and blood but his own could apparently endure.
At length, a private caucus was held, and a diabolical plan set, to put a summary end to the grievous nuisances engendered by Old Tantabolus–” let’s blow him up! “
And this they agreed to do in this wise. Before “retiring to rest,” as we say in civilized parlance, the lodging community were in the habit of laying in a surplus of firewood, alongside of the capacious fire-place, in order–should a very common occurrence occur,–i. e., a fall of snow six to ten feet deep, and kiver things all up, the insiders might have wherewith to make themselves comfortable, until they could work out and provide more. But Old Tantabolus was in the wasteful practice of turning out and burning up all this extra fuel; so the caucus agreed to bore an inch and a quarter hole into a solid stick–pack it with powder–lay it among the wood, and when Old Tantabolus riz to fire up, he’d be blowed out of the building, and disappear– in a blue blaze! Well, poor old man, Tantabolus, quite unconscious of the dire explosion awaiting him, told his yarns, next evening, with greater gusto than usual, and one after another of his listeners finally dropped off to roost, in the loft above, leaving the old man to go it alone–finish his pipe, stagnate the air and go to his bunk, which, as was his wont to do–he did. Stillness reigned supreme; though Old Tantabolus took his usual snooze in very apparent confidence, many of his no less weary companions above–watched for the approaching tableaux! And they were gratified, to their heart’s content, for the tableaux came!
“Now, look out, boys!” says one, “Old Tanty’s about to wake up!” and then some dozen of the upper story lodgers, who had kept their peepers open to enjoy the fun, began to spread around and pull away the loose straw in order to get a view of the scene below. Sure enough, the old rooster gave a long yawn–“Aw-w-w-w- um! ” flirted off his “kiverlids” and got up, making a slow move towards the fire-place, reaching which, he gave an extra “Aw-w-w- um! ” knocked the ashes out of his pipe–filled it up with “nigger-head,” dipped it in the embers, gave it a few whiffs, and then said:
“Booh! cold mornin’; boys’ll freeze, if I don’t start up a good fire.” Then he went to work to cultivate a blaze, with a few chips and light sticks of dry wood.
“Ah, by George, old feller,” says one, “you’ll catch a bite, before you know it!”
“Yes, I’m blamed if you ain’t a goner, Old Tantabolus!” says another, in a pig’s whisper.
“There! there he’s got the fire up–now look out!”
“He’s got the stick–“
“Goin’ to clap it on!”
“Now it’s on!”
“Look out for fun, by George, look out!”
“He’ll blow the house up!”
“Godfrey! s’pose he does?”
“What an infernal wind there is this morning!” says the old fellow, hearing the buzz and indistinct whispering overhead; “guess it’s snowin’ like sin; I’ll jist start up this fire and go out and see.” But, he had scarcely reached and opened the door, when–” bang-g-g! ” went the log, with the roar of a twelve pounder; hurling the fire, not only all over the lower floor, but through the upper loose flooring–setting the straw beds in a blaze–filling the house with smoke, ashes and fire! There was a general and indiscriminate rush of the practical jokers in the loft, to make an escape from the now burning building; but the step-ladder was knocked down, and it was at the peril of their lives, that all hands jumped and crawled out of the ranche! The only one who escaped the real danger was Old Tantabolus, the intended victim, whose remark was, after the flurry was over–“Boys, arter this, be careful how you lay your powder round! “