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The Astonishing Acts Of Anna
by
“She–she insulted me,” said Mr. Loop.
“How?” inquired Marshal Crow sceptically.
“She called me a skunk.”
Mr. Crow was silent for some time, tugging at his whiskers. He stared intently at the upper corner of Dr. Brown’s cottage. His lip twitched slightly. Presently, feeling that he could trust his voice, he asked:
“Why don’t you offer a reward, Liff?”
“I thought of doin’ that,” said Mr. Loop, but a trifle half-heartedly.
“If you offer a big enough reward, I’ll find out who the feller is,” said Anderson. “Course, you understand it ain’t my duty as marshal to ferret out matrimonial mysteries. I’d have to tackle it in my capacity as a private detective. An’ you couldn’t hardly expect me to do all this extry work without bein’ paid fer it.”
Mr. Loop scratched his head. Then he scratched a small furrow in the gravel roadway with the toe of one of his boots.
“Well, you see, I got to pay a lawyer right smart of a fee; an’ besides–“
Anderson interrupted him sternly. “You owe it to your feller-citizens to clear up this mystery. You surely don’t think it is fair to your friends, do you, ‘Liphalet Loop? Purty nigh every man in town is bein’ suspicioned, an’–“
“That ain’t any business o’ mine,” snapped Eliphalet, showing some ire. “If they feel as though the thing ought to be cleared up jest fer their sakes, why don’t they git together an’ offer a reward? I don’t see why I ought to pay out money to ‘stablish the innocence of all the men in Tinkletown. Let them do it if they feel that way about it. I got no objection to the taxpayers of Tinkletown oppropriatin’ a sum out of the town treasury to prove they’re innocent. Why don’t you take it up with the selectmen, Anderson. I’m satisfied to leave my complaint as it is. I’ve been thinkin’ it over, an’ I believe I’d ruther git my divorce without knowin’ who’s the cause of it. The way it is now, I’m on friendly terms with every man in town, an’ I’d like to stay that way. It would be mighty onpleasant to meet one of your friends on the street an’ not be able to speak to him. Long as I don’t know, why–“
“Wait a minute, Liff Loop,” broke in Anderson sternly. “Don’t say anything more. All I got to say is that it wasn’t you your wife insulted when she called you a skunk. Good mornin’, sir.”
He turned and strode away, leaving the amazed Mr. Loop standing with his mouth open. Some time later that same afternoon Eliphalet succeeded in solving the problem that had been tantalizing him all day. “By gum,” he bleated, addressing the high heavens, “what a blamed old fool he is! Anybody with any sense at all knows that you can’t insult a skunk.”
* * * * *
Briefly, Mr. Loop’s fifth matrimonial experience had been, in the strictest sense, a venture. After four discouraging failures in the effort to obtain a durable wife from among the young women of Tinkletown and vicinity, he had resolved to go farther afield for his fifth. So he advertised through a New York matrimonial bureau for the sort of wife he might reasonably depend upon to survive the rigours of climate, industry and thrift. He made it quite plain that the lucky applicant would have to be a robust creature, white, sound of lung and limb, not more than thirty, and experienced in domestic economy. Nationality no object. Mr. Loop’s idea of the meaning of domestic economy was intensely literal. Also she would have to pay her own railroad fare to Boggs City, no matter whence she came, the same to be refunded in case she proved acceptable. He described himself as a widower of means, young in spirit though somewhat past middle age, of attractive personality and an experienced husband.