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The Anonymous Wiggle
by
“Well, it may be threatening, and it may not be threatening,” said Miss Scroggs. “If it is a threat, I must say I never heard of a threat just like it. And if it is scurrilous, I must say I never heard of anything that scurriled in the words used. Read it.”
Philo Gubb pulled the letter from the envelope and read it. It ran thus:–
PETUNIA:–
Open any book at page fourteen and read the first complete sentence at the top of the page. Go thou and do likewise.
For signature there was nothing but a waved line, drawn with a pen. In some respects it did resemble an angle-worm.
Philo Gubb frowned. “The advice of the inditer that wrote this letter seemingly appears to be sort of unexact,” he said. “‘Most every book is apt to have a different lot of words at the top of page fourteen.”
“Just so!” said Miss Scroggs. “You may well say that. And say it to myself I did until I started to open a book. I went to the book-case and I took down my Bible and I turned to page fourteen.”
“As the writer beyond no doubt thought you would,” said P. Gubb.
“I don’t know what he thought,” said Miss Scroggs, “but when I opened my Bible and turned to page fourteen there wasn’t any page fourteen in it. Page fourteen is part of the ‘Brief Foreword from the Translators to the Reader,’ so I thought maybe it had got lost and never been missed. So I took up another book. I took up Emerson’s Essays, Volume Two.”
“And what did you read?” asked Philo Gubb.
“Nothing,” said Miss Scroggs, “because I couldn’t. Page fourteen was tore out of the book. So I went through all my books, and every page fourteen was tore out of every book. There was only one book in the house that had a page fourteen left in it.”
“And what did that say?” asked Mr. Gubb.
“It said,” said Miss Petunia, “‘To one quart of flour add a cup of water, beat well, and add the beaten whites of two eggs.'”
“Did you do all that?” inquired Mr. Gubb.
“Well,” said Miss Petunia, “I didn’t see any harm in trying it, just to see what happened, so I did it.”
“And what happened?” asked Mr. Gubb.
“Nothing,” said Miss Petunia. “In a couple of days the water dried up and the dough got pasty and moulded, and I threw it out.”
“Just so!” said Philo Gubb. “You’d sort of expect it to get mouldy, but you wouldn’t call it threatening at the first look.”
“No,” said Miss Petunia. “And then I got this letter Number Two.”
She handed the second letter to Mr. Gubb. It ran thus:–
P. SCROGGS:–
A complete study of the history and antiquities of Diocese of Ossory fails to reveal the presence of a single individual bearing the name of Scroggs from the year 1085 to date.
Like the first letter this was signed with a waved line. Mr. Gubb studied it carefully.
“I don’t see no sign of a threat in that,” he said.
“Not unless you should say it was belittling me to tell me to my face that no Scroggs ever lived wherever that says they didn’t live,” said Miss Petunia. “Now, here’s the next letter.”
Mr. Gubb read it. It ran thus:–
MISS PETUNIA:–
For to-morrow: Rising temperature accompanied by falling barometer, followed by heavy showers. Lower temperature will follow in the North Central States and Northern Missouri.
“I shouldn’t call that exactly scurrilous, neither,” said Mr. Gubb.
“It ain’t,” said Miss Petunia, “and unless you can call a mention of threatening weather a threat, I wouldn’t call it a threatening letter. And then I got this letter.”
She handed Mr. Gubb the fourth letter, and he read it. It ran:–
PETUNIA SCROGGS:–
Trout are rising freely in the Maine waters. The Parmacheene Belle is one of the best flies to use.