PAGE 7
Some Learned Fables, For Good Old Boys And Girls
by
The Tumble-Bug, overhearing this discussion, said he was willing that the parvenus of these new times should find what comfort they might in their wise-drawn theories, since as far as he was concerned he was content to be of the old first families and proud to point back to his place among the old original aristocracy of the land.
“Enjoy your mushroom dignity, stinking of the varnish of yesterday’s veneering, since you like it,” said he; “suffice it for the Tumble-Bugs that they come of a race that rolled their fragrant spheres down the solemn aisles of antiquity, and left their imperishable works embalmed in the Old Red Sandstone to proclaim it to the wasting centuries as they file along the highway of Time!”
“Oh, take a walk!” said the chief of the expedition, with derision.
The summer passed, and winter approached. In and about many of the caverns were what seemed to be inscriptions. Most of the scientists said they were inscriptions, a few said they were not. The chief philologist, Professor Woodlouse, maintained that they were writings, done in a character utterly unknown to scholars, and in a language equally unknown. He had early ordered his artists and draftsmen to make facsimiles of all that were discovered; and had set himself about finding the key to the hidden tongue. In this work he had followed the method which had always been used by decipherers previously. That is to say, he placed a number of copies of inscriptions before him and studied them both collectively and in detail. To begin with, he placed the following copies together:
THE AMERICAN HOTEL.______ MEALS AT ALL HOURS.
THE SHADES. _____________ NO SMOKING.
BOATS FOR HIRE CHEAP_____ UNION PRAYER MEETING, 6 P.M.
BILLIARDS. _____________ THE WATERSIDE JOURNAL.
THE A1 BARBER SHOP.______ TELEGRAPH OFFICE.
KEEP OFF THE GRASS.______ TRY BRANDRETH’S PILLS.
COTTAGES FOR RENT DURING THE WATERING SEASON.
FOR SALE CHEAP. _________ FOR SALE CHEAP.
FOR SALE CHEAP. _________ FOR SALE CHEAP.
At first it seemed to the professor that this was a sign-language, and that each word was represented by a distinct sign; further examination convinced him that it was a written language, and that every letter of its alphabet was represented by a character of its own; and finally he decided that it was a language which conveyed itself partly by letters, and partly by signs or hieroglyphics. This conclusion was forced upon him by the discovery of several specimens of the following nature:
He observed that certain inscriptions were met with in greater frequency than others. Such as “FOR SALE CHEAP”; “BILLIARDS”; “S. T.–1860–X”; “KENO”; “ALE ON DRAUGHT.” Naturally, then, these must be religious maxims. But this idea was cast aside by and by, as the mystery of the strange alphabet began to clear itself. In time, the professor was enabled to translate several of the inscriptions with considerable plausibility, though not to the perfect satisfaction of all the scholars. Still, he made constant and encouraging progress.
Finally a cavern was discovered with these inscriptions upon it:
WATERSIDE MUSEUM.
Open at All Hours.
Admission 50 cents.
WONDERFUL COLLECTION OF
WAX-WORKS, ANCIENT FOSSILS,
ETC.
Professor Woodlouse affirmed that the word “Museum” was equivalent to the phrase “lumgath molo,” or “Burial Place.” Upon entering, the scientists were well astonished. But what they saw may be best conveyed in the language of their own official report:
“Erect, in a row, were a sort of rigid great figures which struck us instantly as belonging to the long extinct species of reptile called MAN, described in our ancient records. This was a peculiarly gratifying discovery, because of late times it has become fashionable to regard this creature as a myth and a superstition, a work of the inventive imaginations of our remote ancestors. But here, indeed, was Man, perfectly preserved, in a fossil state. And this was his burial place, as already ascertained by the inscription. And now it began to be suspected that the caverns we had been inspecting had been his ancient haunts in that old time that he roamed the earth–for upon the breast of each of these tall fossils was an inscription in the character heretofore noticed. One read, ‘CAPTAIN KIDD THE PIRATE’; another, ‘QUEEN VICTORIA’; another, ‘ABE LINCOLN’; another, ‘GEORGE WASHINGTON,’ etc.