PAGE 5
Shut Out
by
But this house, his own–why, it is all shuttered and dark; some of the window panes are broken; there is a pale grey patch in one that looks like a dingy bill; the knocker has been unscrewed from the door, and on its scraped panels someone has scribbled words and rough caricatures that were surely not there when he left that morning.
Can anything–any frightful disaster–have come in that short time? No, he will not think of it; he will not let himself be terrified, all for nothing.
‘Now, are you goin’?’ says the policeman after a pause.
Rolleston puts his back against the door and clings to the sides. ‘No!’ he shouts. ‘I don’t care what you say; I don’t believe you: they are all in there–they are, I tell you, they are–they are!’
In a second he is in the constable’s strong grasp and being dragged, struggling violently, to the gate, when a soft voice, a woman’s, intercedes for him.
‘What is the matter? Oh, don’t–don’t be so rough with him, poor creature!’ it cries pitifully.
‘I’m only exercisin’ my duty, mum,’ says the officer; ‘he wants to create a disturbance ‘ere.’
‘No,’ cries Wilfred, ‘he lies! I only want to get into my own house, and no one seems to hear me. You don’t think anything is the matter, do you?’
It is a lady who has been pleading for him; as he wrests himself from his captor and comes forward she sees his face, and her own grows white and startled.
‘Wilfred!’ she exclaims.
‘Why, you know my name!’ he says. ‘Then you can tell him it’s all right. Do I know you? You speak like–is it–Ethel?‘
‘Yes,’ she says, and her voice is low and trembling, ‘I am Ethel.’
He is silent for an instant; then he says slowly, ‘You are not the same–nothing is the same: it is all changed–changed–and oh, my God, what am I?‘
Slowly the truth is borne in upon his brain, muddled and disordered by long excess, and the last shred of the illusion which had possessed him drifts away.
He knows now that his boyhood, with such possibilities of happiness as it had ever held, has gone for ever. He has been knocking at a door which will open for him never again, and the mother by whose side his evening was to have been passed died long long years ago.
The past, blotted out completely for an hour by some freak of the memory, comes back to him, and he sees his sullen, morbid boyhood changing into something worse still, until by slow degrees he became what he is now–dissipated, degraded, lost.
At first the shock, the awful loneliness he awakes to, and the shame of being found thus by the woman for whom he had felt the only pure love he had known, overwhelm him utterly, and he leans his head upon his arms as he clutches the railings, and sobs with a grief that is terrible in its utter abandonment.
The very policeman is silent and awed by what he feels to be a scene from the human tragedy, though he may not be able to describe it to himself by any more suitable phrase than ‘a rum start.’
‘You can go now, policeman,’ says the lady, putting money in his hand. ‘You see I know this–this gentleman. Leave him to me; he will give you no trouble now.’
And the constable goes, taking care, however, to keep an eye occasionally on the corner where this has taken place. He has not gone long before Rolleston raises his head with a husky laugh: his manner has changed now; he is no longer the boy in thought and expression that he was a short time before, and speaks as might be expected from his appearance.
‘I remember it all now,’ he says. ‘You are Ethel Gordon, of course you are, and you wouldn’t have anything to do with me–and quite right too–and then you married my brother Lionel. You see I’m as clear as a bell again now. So you came up and found me battering at the old door, eh? Do you know, I got the fancy I was a boy again and coming home to–bah, what does all that matter? Odd sort of fancy though, wasn’t it? Drink is always playing me some cursed trick now. A pretty fool I must have made of myself!’