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“‘Sh-h!’ I says, ‘food has gone out of fashion–the best people ain’t eating any more. Put your mind on something else,’ I says. ‘Consider the setting sun,’ I says, ‘a-sinking in the golden west. Gaze yonder,’ I says, ‘upon that great yellow orb with all them fleecy white clouds banked up behind it.’

“‘I’m gazing,’ he says. ‘It looks something like a aig fried on one side. That’s the way I always uster take mine,’ he says, ‘before I quit eating–fried with the sunny side up.’

“I changed the subject.

“‘Ain’t it a remarkable fact,’ I says, ‘how this district is addicted to dogs? Look at that there little stray pup, yonder,’ I says, ‘jumping up and down in the wild mustard, making himself all warm and panty. That’s an edifying sight,’ I says.

“‘You bet,’ says the Sweet Caps Kid, kind of dreamy, ‘it’s a great combination,’ he says, ‘–hot dog with fresh mustard. That’s the way we got ’em at Coney,’ he says.

“‘Sweet Caps,’ I says, ‘you are breaking my heart. Desist,’ I says. ‘I ask you to desist. If you don’t desist,’ I says, ‘I’m going to tear your head off by the roots and after that I’ll probably get right rough with you. Fellow me,’ I says, ‘and don’t speak another word of no description whatsoever. I’ve got a plan,’ I says, ‘and if it don’t work I’ll know them calamity howlers is right and I wont vote Democratic never again–not,’ I says, ‘if I have to vote for Bryan!’

“He trails along behind me, and his head is hanging low and he mutters to hisself. Injun file we retraces our weary footsteps until we comes once more to the village of Plentiful Valley. We goes along Main Street–I know it’s Main Street because it’s the only street there is–until we comes to a small brick building which you could tell by the bars at the windows that it was either the local bank or the calaboose. On the steps of this here establishment stands a party almost entirely concealed in whiskers. But on his breast I sees a German silver badge gleaming like a full moon seen through thick brush.

“‘The town constable, I believe?’ I says to him.

“‘The same,’ he says. ‘What can I do for for you?’

“‘Lock us up,’ I says, ‘–him and me both. We’re tramps,’ I says, ‘vagrants, derilicks wandering to and fro,’ I says, ‘like raging lions seeking whatsoever we might devour–and not,’ I says, ‘having no luck. We are dangerous characters,’ I says, ‘and it’s a shame to leave us at large. Lock us up,’ I says, ‘and feed us.’

“‘Nothing doing,’ he says. ‘Try the next town–it’s only nine miles and a good hard road all the way.’

“‘I thought,’ I says, ‘that you took a hidebound oath never to shave until you’d locked up a thousand tramps.’

“‘Yep, he says, ‘that’s so; but you’re a little late. I pinched him about an hour ago.’

“‘Pinched who?’ I says.

“‘The thousandth one,’ he says. ‘Early to-morrow morning,’ he says, ‘I’m going to get sealed bids and estimates on a clean shave. But first,’ he says, ‘in celebration of a historic occasion, I’m giving a little supper to-night to the regular boarders in the jail. I guess you’ll have to excuse me–seems to me like I smell the turkey dressing scorching.’

“And with that he goes inside and locks the door behind him, and don’t pay no attention to us beating on the bars, except to open an upstairs window and throw a bucket of water at us.

“That’s the last straw. My legs gives way, both at once, in opposite directions. Sweet Caps he drags me across the street and props me up against a building, and as he fans me with his hat I speaks to him very soft and faint and low.

“‘Sweep Caps,’ I says, ‘I’m through. Leave me,’ I says, ‘and make for civilization. And,’ I says, ‘if you live to get there, come back sometime and collect my mortal remains and bury ’em,’ I says, ‘in some quiet, peaceful spot. No,’ I says, ‘don’t do that neither! Bury me,’ I says, ‘in a Chinee cemetary. The Chinees,’ I says, ‘puts vittles on the graves of their dear departeds, instead of flowers. Maybe,’ I says, ‘my ghost will walk at night,’ I says, ‘and eat chop suey.’