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"Pigs Is Pigs"
by
“Can’t collect fifty cents for two dago pigs consignee has left town address unknown what shall I do? Flannery.”
The telegram was handed to one of the clerks in the Audit Department, and as he read it he laughed.
“Flannery must be crazy. He ought to know that the thing to do is to return the consignment here,” said the clerk. He telegraphed Flannery to send the pigs to the main office of the company at Franklin.
When Flannery received the telegram he set to work. The six boys he had engaged to help him also set to work. They worked with the haste of desperate men, making cages out of soap boxes, cracker boxes, and all kinds of boxes, and as fast as the cages were completed they filled them with guinea-pigs and expressed them to Franklin. Day after day the cages of guineapigs flowed in a steady stream from Westcote to Franklin, and still Flannery and his six helpers ripped and nailed and packed–relentlessly and feverishly. At the end of the week they had shipped two hundred and eighty cases of guinea-pigs, and there were in the express office seven hundred and four more pigs than when they began packing them.
“Stop sending pigs. Warehouse full,” came a telegram to Flannery. He stopped packing only long enough to wire back, “Can’t stop,” and kept on sending them. On the next train up from Franklin came one of the company’s inspectors. He had instructions to stop the stream of guinea-pigs at all hazards. As his train drew up at Westcote station he saw a cattle car standing on the express company’s siding. When he reached the express office he saw the express wagon backed up to the door. Six boys were carrying bushel baskets full of guinea-pigs from the office and dumping them into the wagon. Inside the room Flannery, with’ his coat and vest off, was shoveling guinea-pigs into bushel baskets with a coal scoop. He was winding up the guinea-pig episode.
He looked up at the inspector with a snort of anger.
“Wan wagonload more an, I’ll be quit of thim, an’ niver will ye catch Flannery wid no more foreign pigs on his hands. No, sur! They near was the death o’ me. Nixt toime I’ll know that pigs of whaiver nationality is domistic pets–an’ go at the lowest rate.”
He began shoveling again rapidly, speaking quickly between breaths.
“Rules may be rules, but you can’t fool Mike Flannery twice wid the same thrick–whin ut comes to live stock, dang the rules. So long as Flannery runs this expriss office–pigs is pets–an’ cows is pets–an’ horses is pets–an’ lions an’ tigers an’ Rocky Mountain goats is pets–an’ the rate on thim is twinty-foive cints.”
He paused long enough to let one of the boys put an empty basket in the place of the one he had just filled. There were only a few guinea-pigs left. As he noted their limited number his natural habit of looking on the bright side returned.
“Well, annyhow,” he said cheerfully, “’tis not so bad as ut might be. What if thim dago pigs had been elephants!”