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PAGE 7

My First Tragedy
by [?]

(Knocks him on the head.)

Rem.
I’ve overdone it! Now I’m slain! Alas!
I do repent that I have played the ass!

(Dies.)

Rom. (sings).
Remus he would a-fooling go
(Heigh-ho! says Romly),
Whether his brother could stand it or no,
With a Romly, Remy, Roman, and Grecian.
(Heigh-ho! says Romulus Romly.)

Enter She-wolf suddenly.

Wolf.
Hullo, my lad! I’ve caught you then at last!
I’ve waited twenty years to break my fast.
It’s hungry work. But now I’ve got you.
Come. Don’t kick, ’twill hurt the more. Fe, fi, fo, fum!

[1. A classical quotation having special reference to the anticipation of a good square meal.]

Rom.
Oh, please it wasn’t me! See, there’s my brother,
He’s far more on his bones than me, my dear stepmother!

Wolf (perceiving Remits).
Humph! I may want you both.
But if you wish
I’ll start on Remus for my opening dish.

Rom.
Do, gentle step-dame; then when he is done,
Come back and claim your sole surviving son.

Wolf.
Agreed! But lest you should forget your promise, dear,
I’ll take, if you’ll allow, my first course here.
I shan’t be long; and as your turn comes next,
Don’t keep me waiting–I should be so vexed.

(Proceeds to devour Remus with relish.)

Rom. (aside).
Ah, ha, old glutton! Ha, not much you don’t!

If I can help it, dine off me you won’t.
(Stabs the wolf from behind.)

Wolf.
Alack, I die, my banquet, half untasted!
To think of so much dainty dinner wasted!

Rom. (dances and sings) –
Who killed old Remus?
I, said his brother, likewise his step-mother,
I killed old Remus.
Who saw him fall?
Not a man-jack saw him drop on his back;
None saw him fall. Who’s all right now?
I, says the Roman; I’m rid of my foeman,
I’m all right now.

Enter Chorus (with a band and flags).

Great Romulus, we’re glad to see you licked him
(Sing hey the jolly Roman and his ma);
We’re jolly glad you punched his head and kicked him
(Sing hey the jolly Roman that you are).

Then hail to you, great Roman!
We yield to you or no man,
(Sing hey the jolly Roman and his ma).
We beg you’ll let us help you build the city
(Sing hey the jolly city that he rears);
We’ll be your loyal subjects; show us pity
(Sing hey the jolly city and three cheers).
Then hail the jolly city,
To you we chant our ditty,
(Sing hey the jolly city and three cheers).

Rom.
Friends, thank you one and all; excuse my tear,
Domestic trouble makes me feel so queer;
But if you like, to celebrate this day
I sing you here one final roundelay.

(Sings.)
When Romulus from Tiber’s stream escaped,
His infant footsteps to the woodland shaped,
He sort of vowed, if ever he grew big,
He would the walls of a great city dig.
This was his object; here he takes his stand,
Romans ever, ever, ever I’ll command.

Chorus (all going)
Rule, old Roma, Roma rule the land,
Romans ever, ever, ever he’ll command.

(Exeunt omnes.)