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[It will be perceived that in addressing a policeman Romulus adopts a mode of speech which a person accustomed to deal with the lower orders would more readily understand than classical English.]

Chorus. Oh, what a surprise!
Won’t they open their eyes?
To see us two back? Oh, and won’t they look black?
Oh, what a surprise!

Faust. The fact is, young gents, if you’ll excuse me addressing you in prose, which I ain’t a heddicated cove myself, but my gal’s ‘usband’s uncle was a schoolmaster, only he caught cold in ‘is eyes and went on the pension; very comfortable his place is in the harmsouses, which they do keep them neat and tidy enough to make one afeared to step over the door, and being long steps, ’tain’t so easy for an old chap as ‘as spent forty-three years come next Michaelmas in the country’s service, bar six months for the dropsy and four for a broken leg, all on account of a homblibus slipping to the horf side and ketching me–

Rem. Never mind about all that. What is the fact?

Faust. Ah, I forgot. The fact is, young gents, if you’ll–

Rom. Go on, go on, or we’ll kick you.

Faust. The fact is, young gents, as I was saying when you threatened to kick me, you’ve been rather shabbily used. There’s a chap of the name of Amulius. Know him?

Rom. and Rem. What, our uncle? Rather.

Faust. Well–[you’ll find all about it in Smith’s Classical Dictionary]–the fact is, it’s ‘im as done it. It’s ‘im as chucked yer into the river. I ‘elped ‘im–no, no, I don’t mean that–I was passing by and see ‘im at it.

Rom. (kicking him). You did? Why didn’t you get us out?

Faust, (rubbing his leg). Don’t do that; it hurts. Why, it was this way. When I married my old woman about forty years ago, I said to myself, says I, if ever I grow up to be a man, I shall either go into the force or else take to the sheep-farming. Oh, young gentleman, if you kick me again I shall arrest you for assault. Really I will.

Rom. and Rem.. Cut your story short. What about Amulius?

Faust. Only he’s collared your crowns–that’s all. Don’t mention it. Take my advice and go and crack his. Rom. and Rem. Certainly. We’ll do it at once.

(They do it at once)

Act II

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Scene I

.

On the Banks of the Tiber. Ten Years Later.

[Enter Romulus, Remus, bricklayers, maidens, and others.]

Rom..,
‘Tis done. The proud usurper bites the dust.
Rem.
(It’s took us ten good years to do it. That’s the wust.)
Rom.
The tyrant’s ashes moulder on the plain.
Rem. (You’ve said that once before. Say it again.)
Rom. Remus, my blackguard brother, hold thy tongue.
Rem. Romulus, may I be spared to see thee hung.
Maidens.
Alas! to see two brothers bicker thus is sad,
Let’s laugh and sport and turn to something glad.
Mary Ann (blushing).
I’ll sing you a simple ballad if you like.
(All shuddering). Good gracious!
(Aside) Certainly, by all means.
Mary Ann.
How doth each naughty little lad
Delight to snarl and bite,
And kick and scratch, It’s very bad,
It isn’t at all right.
Oh, don’t do this; oh, don’t do that,
Don’t tear each other’s hair,
But shout and play with ball and bat,
Or dance with maidens fair;
Play tennis, cricket, kiss-in-the-ring,
Rounders or golf or catch,
Play baseball, rounders–anything, But please don’t fight and scratch.