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Dropped we were by our cruel ma
(With full consent of our awful pa)
Into the stream of the river Tiber –
Two little kids from nurse.

We were nearly drowned, when the stream stood still
And left us dry (and hungry) till
This old she-wolf came to take her fill
Of two little kids from nurse.
You let us be, or we’ll tell our ma,
And she’ll inform our awful pa;
If he comes round, you’ll catch a Tartar–
Two little kids from nurse.

Wolf (turning pale).
Your words alarm me! Gentle lads, behold,
I’ll be your nurse until you’re two years old.
Then if you have not found your pa or ma,
I will adopt you. What say you?

Rom. and Rem..
Hurrah!

John.
So now that’s settled, let’s chant one more strain,
And after that I’ll to my home again.

Song.

Rom..
Who ran to gulp me where I lay,
And took me in her mouth away,
And talked of eating me to-day?
The she-wolf.

Rem..
Who scrunched my arm and clawed my side,
And would not heed me when I cried,
But whispered, “Won’t he taste prime fried?”
The she-wolf.

John.
Who wouldn’t spare two pretty boys,
Until they kicked and made a noise?
Who ever thus her time employs?
The she-wolf.

Wolf.
Who’s not as bad as people say?
Who’s going to nurse you night and day,
And wash your face and help you play?
The she-wolf?

(Exeunt dancing.)

Scene II.

The Same. Six Years Later.

[Enter Romulus and Remus, fighting with boxing-gloves. The wolf knitting and looking on and encouraging.]

Wolf.
Your little hands were never made
To black each other’s eyes,
And yet you do it very well
For youngsters of your size.
Keep down your guard. Good! Hit out fair,
That’s one for Remus’ nose!
Ha, Romulus, you caught it there
(Keep steady with your toes!).
Don’t lose your tempers–it’s not right.

[The author’s motive in thus lightly treating the opening scenes of his hero’s career is to postpone the gloom of the tragedy to a later period.]

Time! Let ’em blow a bit.
My! how I like to see ’em fight!
It sends me, in a fit.

(Has a fit and suddenly exit)

Rom. (discovering her absence).
Alas, my brother! orphans once again,
We’re left in this lone world of woe and pain.
Our step-dame’s gone, and left us no address.
What’s to be done? We’re in a pretty mess.

Rem.
Let’s sit and howl, and howl till some one hears.
You do the howling, and I’ll do the tears.

(They sit and howl for twenty minutes)

Enter Faustulus (an old, old policeman).

Faust..
Oh dear, what can the matter be?
Romulus, Remus, what can the matter be?
Remus, Romulus, what can the matter be?
Why do you sit there and howl?
You really do make such a horrible noise,
You naughty, bad, dirty-faced blubbering boys!
Why don’t you run home to your ma and your toys?
Come, clear out of this, and move on.

Rom. (screwing his knuckles into his eyes).
We ‘ain’t got no home and we ‘ain’t got no ma,
We ‘ain’t got no notion whose childer we are,
And our old nuss has sloped without saying “Ta ta.”
Bo-ho and bo-hoo and bo-how!

Faust, (starts and drops his truncheon).
Why, these are the lost ‘uns! My eyes and my stars!
Wasn’t Ilia your ma’s name, and your pa’s name was Mars?
There’s a dollar reward for who finds you, my dears!
Hurra and hurroo and hooray!

(They all rejoice and sing.)