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As some little damper to their merriment, however, Mr. Schnackenberger addressed a few words to them from time to time:–‘You laugh, gentlemen,’ said he; ‘and, doubtless, there’s something or other very amusing,–no doubt, infinitely amusing, if one could but find it out. However, I could make your appetites for laughing vanish–aye, vanish in one moment. For, understand me now, one word–one little word from me to Juno, and, in two minutes, the whole room shall be as empty as if it had been swept out with a broom. Just the first that I look at, no matter whom, she catches by the breast–aye, just you, Sir, or you, Sir, or you, Mr. Von Pilsen,’ (fixing his eye upon him) ‘if I do but say–seize him, Juno!’ The word had fled: and in the twinkling of an eye, Juno’s fore-paws, not over clean, were fixed in the elegant white silk waistcoat of Mr. Von Pilsen.

This scene was the signal for universal uproar and alarm. Even Mr. Jeremiah, on remarking the general rising of the company, though totally unaware that his harmless sport had occasioned it, rose also; called the dog off: and comforted Von Pilsen, who was half dead with fright, by assuring him that had he but said–‘Bite him, Juno!’–matters would have ended far worse.

On Mr. Schnackenberger’s standing up, his bodily equilibrium was manifestly so much endangered, that one of the company, out of mere humanity, offered his servant to see him safe home. A slight consciousness of his own condition induced our hero to accept of this offer: through some misunderstanding, however, the servant led him, not to the Golden Sow, but to the Double-barrelled Gun.

Mr. Schnackenberger, on being asked for his number, said ‘No. 5;’ that being the number of his room at the Golden Sow. He was accordingly shown up to No. 5: and, finding a bed under an alcove, he got into it dressed as he was; and, in one moment, had sunk into a profound slumber.

CHAPTER X.

WHICH NARRATES AN ENGAGEMENT ON UNEQUAL TERMS–FIRST FOR ONE SIDE, THEN FOR THE OTHER.

Half an hour after came the true claimant; who, being also drunk, went right up-stairs without troubling the waiter; and forthwith getting into bed, laid himself right upon Mr. Jeremiah Schnackenberger.

‘D—-n this heavy quilt,’ said the student, waking up and recollecting the hundred-pounder of the preceding night; and, without further ceremony, he kicked the supposed quilt into the middle of the room.

Now began war: for the ‘quilt’ rose up without delay; and Mr. Schnackenberger, who had been somewhat worse handled than his opponent by the devil of drunkenness, would doubtless have come by the worst, had he not in his extremity ejaculated ‘Juno!’ whereupon she, putting aside all selfish considerations, which at the moment had fastened her to a leg of mutton in the kitchen, rushed up on the summons of duty, and carried a reinforcement that speedily turned the scale of victory. The alarm, which this hubbub created, soon brought to the field of battle the whole population of the inn, in a very picturesque variety of night-dresses; and the intruding guest would in all likelihood have been kicked back to the Golden Sow; but that the word of command to the irritated Juno, which obviously trembled on his lips, was deemed worthy of very particular attention and respect.

CHAPTER XI.

IN WHICH UNFORTUNATE LOVE MEDITATES REVENGE.

At half-past ten on the following morning, at which time Mr. Schnackenberger first unclosed his eyes, behold! at the foot of his bed was sitting my hostess of the Golden Sow. ‘Aye,’ said she, ‘I think it’s time, Sir: and it’s time, I think, to let you know what it is to affront a creditable body before all the world.’

‘Nay, for God’s sake, old one, what’s the matter?’ said Mr. Schnackenberger, laughing and sitting bolt upright in bed.

‘Old? Well, if I have a few more years on my head, I’ve a little more thought in it: but, perhaps, you’re not altogether so thoughtless as I’ve been fancying in your actings towards me poor unfortunate widow: if that’s the case, you are a base wicked man; and you deserve–‘