FullReads

And then out burst the story of the last night’s adventure, of Mr. Lamb’s scratched face, which indeed was visible enough, of Miss Wolfe’s bruises, of the broken china, the cow, the donkey, and the action at law.

“Whew!” whistled Dick in an aside whistle; “going to law is she? We must pacify her if we can,” thought he, “for a lawsuit’s no joke, as poor Jem would find. Jem must come and speechify. It’s hard if between us we can’t manage a woman.”

“Sad affair, indeed, Miss Firkin,” said Dick, aloud, in a soft, sympathising tone, and with a most condoling countenance; “it’s unknown what obstropolous creatures cows and donkies are, and what mischief they do amongst gim-cracks. A brute of a donkey got into our garden last summer, and ate up half-a-dozen rose-trees and fuchsias, besides trampling over the flower-beds. One of the roses was a present from France, worth five guineas. I hope Mr. Lamb and Miss Wolfe are not much hurt. Very sad affair! strange too that it should happen through Jem Tylers cattle–poor Jem, who had such a respect for you!”

“Respect for me!” echoed Miss Philly, “when he called me a chattering old maid,–Mrs. Loveit heard him. Respect for me!”

“Aye,” continued Dick, “it was but last Monday was a fortnight that Kit Mahony, the tall pig-dealer, was boasting of the beauty of the Tipperary lasses, and crying down our English ladies, whereupon, although the tap was full of Irish chaps, Jem took the matter up, and swore that he could show Kit two as fine women in this very street–you, ma’am, being one, and Miss Parsons the other–two as fine women as ever he saw in Tipperary. Nay, he offered to lay any wager, from a pot of double X to half a score of his own pigs, that Kit should confess it himself. Now, if that’s not having a respect I don’t know what is,” added Dick, with much gravity; “and I put it to your good sense, whether it is not more likely that Mrs. Loveit, who is as deaf as a post, should be mistaken, than that he should offer to lay such a wager respecting a lady of whom he had spoken so disparagingly.”

“This will do,” thought Dick to himself as he observed the softening of Miss Philly’s features and noted her very remarkable and unnatural silence–“this will do;” and reiterating his request that the order might be got ready, he walked out of the shop.

“You’ll find that I have settled the matter,” observed the young gentleman to Jem Tyler, after telling him the story, “and you have nothing to do but to follow up my hints. Did not I manage her famously? ‘Twas well I recollected your challenge to Mahony, about that pretty creature, Harriet Parsons. It had a capital effect, I promise you. Now go and make yourself decent; put on your Sunday coat, wash your face and hands, and don’t, spare for fine speeches. Be off with you.”

“I shall laugh in her face,” replied Jem.

“Not you,” quoth his sage adviser: “just think of the length of a lawyer’s bill, and you’ll be in no danger of laughing. Besides, she’s really a niceish sort of a body enough, a tidyish little soul in her way, and you’re a gay widower–so who knows?”

And home went Dick, chuckling all the way, partly at his own good management, partly at the new idea which his quick fancy had started.

About a fortnight after, I had occasion to drive into Belford, attended as usual by master Richard. The bells of St. Stephen’s were ringing merrily as we passed down Oriel Street, and happening to look up at the well-known sign of the Old Red Cow, we saw that celebrated work of art surmounted by a bow of white ribbons–a bridal favour. Looking onward to Miss Philly’s door, what should we perceive but Mr. Lamb standing on the step with a similar cockade, half as big as himself, stuck in his hat; whilst Miss Wolfe stood simpering behind the counter, dispensing to her old enemy Sam, and four other grinning boys in their best apparel, five huge slices of bridecake.

The fact was clear. Jem Tyler and Miss Philly were married.